Day Off

Almost every day there is something I have to go do and today I woke up and realized there was nothing I *had* to do today.   Phew.   Now I don't want to do anything at all.   I am going to try to be satisfied with the little amount which does get accomplished and then go back to bed again this evening.   We have to actually rest sometime right?   I need more days and maybe weeks like this.   My dear husband is stressed to the max with work and I pointed out to him that if he slept a bunch on the weekend it might actually be a good idea for his sanity and health.   We have stuff to do this weekend in the line of recitals and competitions etc but hey, a nap here and there won't kill us.   Moral of the story?   Don't feel guilty if you fall asleep on the couch every so often.   Your body might be telling you something.  

Kids have vocations too

I am in the habit of staring at my kids when they are having a rough time and reminding myself of the struggles they have as they are not that different than my own.   Why do toddlers and young kids in general push us to absolute distraction and how to handle behavior out of our control.    Then I remember that I am sure I too have my moments when my family wishes I could pull myself together.   I think my hardest struggle with all my kids, is that they tend to all decide to fall apart all at the same time and then I feel like a fireman trying to get the fire out fast.   My brain goes a bit on overdrive running triage to get them away from each other and away from me til we can actually communicate somewhat calmly and not in frustration.   

Avoiding these lovely moments seems next to impossible but I think they get worse when they are bored or feel somehow lonely and neglected.   My own children seem at their best when we are working on an outside project together orMaybe we misbehave because we are not busy at our vocations????   Feeling a lack of purpose and misbehavior makes a bunch of sense to me.   I can feel my worst when I can't manage to know where to turn first with my vocational duties or have no desire to begin at all.   Once I can get my engines started then life is not as frustrating.   

Kids vocations are equally important to avoiding misbehavior.   If I am not able to do my own vocational duties, is it any wonder the kids become wild animals?   When they are engaged in learning they feel better.   When I can put my own wants aside and read to them, work through their school work sitting next to them and actually being in the house with them......they do better and so do I.   Vocation, vocation, vocation.   Sticking with our God given vocations improves everyone's mood.   Narrowing my focus improves my mood for sure.   

Writing these thoughts out results in my putting it together.....for today anyway......that helping my kids focus on their vocations by actually doing mine and being home helps us all feel a bit better and less fragmented.   The more I can be home the better it is.   Helping my kids see what their vocations are as 'kids' is also helpful.   I do tend to ask them the question, "So, how is that growing up and being responsible for what you are responsible thing going?"    They like this question.   We can have great conversations with this question too.   It isn't me telling me how they are doing but me helping them remember to think about it and helping them to think.   Lots of carefully thought out questions with a child, help them to process how it is going for them.   

Talking and listening

It seems this is the most challenging thing.   I personally feel the stress of a lot of talking coming at me but how to model not feeling a need to fill the air with talk.   Large families with a lot of talking going on inside their walls can be quite exhausting.   I have many short people and tall people too who have something to say to me.   I am glad they do but it is a struggle to keep listening!   No answer is not an option.   I have been chatting with the kids about turning their focus a bit to listening, ignoring siblings who are purposely trying to get their goat, listening to themselves.   I don't think this will solve the problem, but having an awareness and teaching an awareness of how much talk is going on out of their own mouths and not their neighbors, is making a tiny bit of difference.   I will continue to plug along with this thought with the kids and my own mouth.   Being 46 though might result in my forgetting what the goal is as my forgetting things is the standard.
Proceeding in Faith.........

Contentment training

There has been some discussion elsewhere about loneliness at home with the kiddos.   I have certainly struggled with this over the years but the more I think about it and live this crazy life, I do see that learning a little more self control over my ADD desire to do stuff with others, does help me be happier to just be at home.   I pile the guilt higher and deeper when I am not here and we accomplish little.   It is the life of bunches of kids to begin with, especially if you aspire to home educate the kids.   Our hands seem to be tied in this regard.

There are things I would like to do better with the kids at home anyway so how can I do that if I am itching to be with adults????   I have to build time in life to do these things.   I want my kids to learn to read to me.   I want to read more to them.   I want to help them learn to do their own laundry and care about what the house looks like....more.....not perfectly, just more.   I want to cook more yummy nutritious foods so the kids whine less and are more content themselves.   Talking to the kids only happens if I am home more.   When I am not home, I need to take some kids with me and not just crave time to escape.   It really helps their little selves feel better and then we all feel better.

One day at a time.   Conscientious effort to make appointments later in the day and bunch a few together.   Plan meals so I don't make lots of little trips to the store.   Revolve the family life also around prayer and the church.  If we start skipping morning Catechesis we are already off to a bad unsettling start.

Norms of society, especially American society, give us all ADD.   ADHD really.  Hyper life.   Scrambled family.   I can't take too much of that for very long so am trying to choose not to choose that life.   Scouts and church and piano lessons about kill me.   These are all rambling thoughts.   Perhaps I will gather my thoughts and make this a more organized thought.   Feel free to add your own thoughts and frustrations.

Purposefully slowing down.....even more.

I think we are succeeding in slowing down.   I am taking this whole week to work on schedule and expectations which are reasonable and fit better with my slow demeanor lately.   I do not like to rush and be bombarded by many a human at once.   I am a wimp where rapid questions fly.   I've said that before.  

Monday we went through ALL of the kids subjects and weeded out every single book which did not even appear likely to happen.   Those are all hiding in the basement as I planned before.   I left each of my students/kids with two to three things to work on and have hanging over their head so to speak.   They thought we were going to do everything at once; spelling, math, grammar, writing, reading, science etc......not.   I can't see the sense in taking on too much at once and getting none of it done.   I would love to push everyone to get all of their math done for the school year by Christmas.   That would be awesome.   Perhaps I will just call them done at that point if I am brave enough and then spend all of the spring semester playing with history and reading books together.   That sounds delightful.

We braved the library today and hope to return.    It will help if I can 'train' Evan the two year old to sit for books for longer periods of time.   He was fascinated with the long row of couches and the beautiful window sills   They were much like an obstacle course for him and he was loving it.   Slowing down and not hyper spazzing at him will mean taking a breath and baby steps in listening to books for us both.   Perhaps there will be days when we visit the library when we will have to make abrupt departures.   I am sure there will be.   I would like to go there more often this year, especially since going there will alleviate temptations of all of us to be distracted by the junk in our house.   It was easier to come home today after having time at the library since books suddenly became more interesting to them all.  

A little visit accomplished way more than I intended.   Slowing down and living makes things easier to bear with all the kiddos.   Leaving for an evening spin on my bike was also far less stressful.   Hope we can keep this up and I can remember the goal.  

Simpler and simpler

Charted out the week for the coming school year and I see that there are about 18 realistic hours per week to devote to individual or group attention to the kiddo.   How to use the time is the question.   It seems the best thing to do in order to both relieve stress and guilt and eventually get something done, is to lay out the possibilities of subjects we can work on and then take a deep breath and make some sort of decision.  

I started reading "To Kill a Mockingbird" to my eleven year old.   I was asked by my mother-in-law why I was reading to her since she should be reading to me.   The explanation again was that the amount of learning we get from the conversations we have is exponential compared to any sort of text book I might do with her.   That book in particular is very rich in information between the lines, that in the first chapter alone we talked for over an hour as we progressed through.   Win.  

I will most likely need to do more of this sort of learning this year with the kids as breathing alone around here is a challenge at best at times.   I enjoy this sort of time with them anyway.   Now to science out what that will be and resist the temptation to compare myself to the overachiever moms in my life.  

Rearranging

I am hoping to rearrange a bit of life around here.   The first rearrangement seems a bit backwards.   We eat dinner together every night.....all thirteen of us.   Fourteen when Anna is home.   Every night, the noisy crew gathers together.    We have striven for years to maintain dinner together but frankly with people ranging from 2 to 86 attempting to pass food, eat it without running for the wind, getting frustrated as the food they would love to eat is on the other end of the table - 12 feet away......    This puts a whole different spin on gathering during Christmas and Easter and Thanksgiving.   On those days we should all be able to eat one meal without having to pass anything???    A table in every room?????    Every day is a family gathering around here!  

So I am going to feed the little people early.   They are always the hungriest, least patient, hardest to deal with at the table.   I think if I can just eat quietly with them earlier, it will help their demeanor and mine.   I would not describe dinner as the most relaxed of circumstances.  

I want the small children in bed as soon as possible in the evenings so they don't become sleep deprived.   The seventy to eighty somethings are not used to stubborn, verbal small children so I am sure they will have less indigestion this way too.   We shall see if dear husband sees the sense in this plan.   My goal is for everyone to lead.....a quiet and peaceable life.   Whatever I can do to help to that end is how I proceed.  

And then - sigh

I run out of me to give to all the people who need me.   I love them all but seriously there are times where the inside of me knows full well there is nothing left for me to give to them but they still need me.   What if I can't give anymore right now and I want to go sleep it all off.   What if I don't want to help them at the moment by being nice and kind and patient and would love for someone to take care of me.   This sort of time sucks.  
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I am told I need to plan some serious breaks from it all.   Elder parents who are scared and tired in their own way of being burdens, losing their independence and their health.   Funny how I would love for someone to express concern and care for me and then we turn around and become old people ourselves and fight desperately to not have THAT happen.    Such a humble life we live even if we don't want to live humbly.

Annoying and cranky.

My new philosophy of the day is......everyone basically has the capacity to be annoying so.......just smile and wave or something.   I am tired in the extreme so I am not sure anything could happen that could get much of a rise out of me.   Humans, ranging from toddlers to eighty somethings,  all have that sin thing in common.   Me too.   I was driving home from Minnesota yesterday and at times my form of stress relief was making odd observations to change the current subject of the moment (lots of moments).   I probably was making my mother nuts.   Silence is a nice alternative at times if given the option to not respond.   I need to work on that option a bit more as usually my odd observations are lost on the hearer.   Sigh.  

Everyone does annoying things.   If you walk through any store you can overhear someone complaining about someone else having been annoying.   It is constant.   Sometimes though I do see and hear young couples and old calmly discussing things or enjoying their time out together.   Observing people actually getting along is nice and sweet to behold.   Observing funny teasing between the couples I visited on my trip was refreshing too.  

So then.....how to deal with the crankiness which might happen.....forgive them.   I sometimes want to say, "Forgive them already!!!" to others but that is me whining at them.   So.....trying to remember that for myself.   Sigh.   I suppose I could be driven to say that to some random person in the supermarket, but that would be sort of obnoxious.....I think.   Or maybe not......

So that is my deep little thought of the day.  I guess I would call it a little study on bearing with one another in love.  Smile!  

Skin to skin

You read about the benefits to an infant to immediately make contact with their mothers (or fathers if the mother. is somehow not able) to warm their bodies and to find security in the warmth of another human being as they begin their little lives outside their mothers.    As I have been staring at and pondering all the humans around me of all ages, I have been considering the benefits of this skin to skin benefit.   Obviously not literally skin to skin but every human benefits from warm, secure, human contact.    It seems a rarity or cast aside in our lives as not a priority as you know, 'we all have things we need to be doing.'    Doing.   I get so weary of doing.   Doing, doing, doing.  

 My three year old has a case of the screamie meanies.    Should I toss her in time out every time she screams???   What if I took her up in my arms and hugged her and spent time with her rather than get her away from me?   Emotional energy comes from emotional support.   Emotional strength and energy comes from contact which helps sooth us and not repel us.    I suppose I could consider how very badly I  need emotional support myself in caring for so many people and perhaps could benefit from time spent with all of my kids and family in a closer way rather than running away.

My nearly fourteen year old has struggled with showing emotion for several years.   It could be mostly from the fact that there are many who need this attention from me.   It makes me sad to think of the time I have not been able to sit with him and make physical contact just by allowing him to be by me.  

We all learn from our experience.   If we experience distance, it takes some time before there is comfort in closeness with other people.   Modeling telling my kids I love them has resulted in a greater ease in them to be able to say it back to me and anyone else they come in contact with who might say that.   It is a long lesson to learn and takes time and patience.  Five years is about how long it took for comfort to seem more natural.     I have no doubt the same will hold true with the kids finding their comfort level in being able to receive the comfort of just having someone give them a hug etc.   This was not modeled for me and it is not something I come by easily.   In fact I feel like somewhat of a dork if anyone other than my nuclear family gives me a hug and even that happens with such rarity (sadly admitting) that if someone else gives me a hug??????   Horrors.   Takes effort and the only way for it to not take as much effort is most likely to come from practicing offering my family and friends hugs?   Sit closer to my kids.   Offer to have my kids cuddle up next to me for reading time more often????    Time.   Patience.   Breathe.   Forgive.   Love them.   

Yucky Day

Just for the record.....I am no wonder mom.   Keeping on top of it all is a goal I should not even contemplate for a second.   Cranky me.   What a day.   I have no answers even if I attempt to give them or find them.   The best answer is Jesus.   My ineptness at this mom thing is a bit......um.....well, no words.   Try, try, again.   Can it be spring yet?

Other end of the spectrum

I think I need to go back to school and take some classes on elder care.   Our evening 'new' family member Jim, revealed to Charley he doesn't think he has long to live.   Hmmmm......I am not sure what that means for him as he won't tell us.   I am a little suspicious he may have had some small strokes as he repeats himself a lot and seems to not remember some of the things we have talked about in the past. 

My soon to be in house member mother-in-law has stage 2 diabetes.   I don't know much of anything about that.   She has had small strokes for sure in the past.   She has successfully lost 30 pounds though too and wants to stay at her current weight.   My father-in-law is 85 and has ALSO had strokes but his were more significant.   I think I need to clear out the medicine cabinet and make some sort of organized space there to keep track of everything that goes with all of this. 

I don't want to lose 'myself' either in the changes around here.   If anyone outside of the family has expectations of me I am thinking I will most likely flounder.   I hope to follow through as well as I can on those things I have already committed to but might learn a lot about delegating.   Ugh.   I think I am having a bit of a panic attack just thinking about it all.   So.....I will stop thinking and get up and find my nine year old Benjamin's math book.   Math......it has to still happen.   Karin has to keep her marbles.   Routine will either help me or kill me.   Where is the off button on my brain........

Backwards again

I am figuring out it is easier to cook the evening meal earlier in the day so the stress is not on my head all afternoon.   Funny thing is though, that amount of work earlier did not make me any less tired now.   Cooking isn't that much work but remembering what I am doing must be work.   I'm glad it is over with so I can just sit here and chill and not feel the least bit guilty.   That was goal.....I think. 

Breathe

Trying not to panic.   I realize I cannot get everything done today.  I should really lay out a plan of attack for getting our house ready for Charley's parents.   Routines need to be more solid and we need to get rid of a bunch of stuff.   I make progress in spits and starts.   Lists.   Focus.   How to do that with sick and cranky kids.   The kids are better today but the youngest has decided he is an infant again in the nursing department.   Sigh.   I don't begrudge him but......my ADD kicks in and I see everything to get done and it makes me.....hyper and unsettled.   I know, I know....dust bunnies can wait while the kids are small but frankly the organization of stuff around here cannot wait if I plan to keep my marbles.    Onward.   Time to pay all the bills so I can have a break from paper work.   Oh yeah.....kids learning things.....must happen.   Yes, Karin is freaking out a bit. 

This is going to hurt

Potential pain stared me in the face three times on the same stretch of road whilst out biking the last few days.   Earlier this week  I was zipping along and my least favorite surprise happened.   A dog with the fiercest growl came out of no where and got too close for comfort.    Fear of dogs....um....yep.  My mind went quickly to "this is going to hurt"  Fortunately the dog was only bluffing and my heart probably triple timed up that hill.  

The next day it had snowed the night before and all the roads were clear....except the growling dog road.   The growling dog did happen to make another appearance but I stayed calm and cool and didn't even give it credit for it's fierce growl..  Poor thing.  Growling wasted.   Anyway.....it suddenly got a bit more challenging to stay upright.   Snow.   Lots of it.  I slipped and slid my way up the hill on a not very melted snowy road.   Weeellllll.....what goes up, usually comes down.   On the other side of the hill the snow was much less cooperative.   I had a death grip on the handle bars and carefully searched for dry pavement.   That patch was a LONG way off.   "This is going to hurt" was very actively tripping through my head this time.   More like...."this going to hurt, this is going to hurt, this is going to hurt" sort of to the rhythm  of  "I think I can, I think I can, I think I can".    FINALLY reached the patch of pavement and FINALLY exhaled and was able to relax a bit grateful for my helmet and extra clothing even though I escaped  pain and also was thinking  of how stupid I was to attempt that hill with that much snow on the ground.   I am easily tempted when it comes to hills.  

The VERY next day, with nice clear roads, I.....succumbed to the growling, slipping, sliding road again.   What could go wrong today???  Right???   I might need to change my route.   I got to the top of the second hill and looked over at the same property I have passed day after day and noticed a big boxer like dog galloping down the drive way.  A few words came to mind....."This is going to...." amongst other words.    I had never seen THIS dog and it stopped halfway down the long driveway.  Phew.   You guessed it.   It changed its mind and started sprinting and barking fiercely at the stupid biker woman.    I was just waiting for it to take a hunk out of my leg.  "This is going to hurt"  (common theme on this road)  but fortunately the thing stopped its pursuit of the stupid me and went back home.   Deep breath.   Lots of them.   Have I mentioned I am scared of dogs????

I spent the rest of my ride home contemplating a new route.   We shall see if I am stupid....tomorrow.  

Lab rats

This is the flip side of the last post.   The little cherubs residing in our home might need compassion but they also are at times little buzzards.   Little sinners, little buzzards.....    In a lame attempt to discover a more peaceful home, I have been chasing all sorts of methods to better cheerfulness around here.  The first experiment on the lab rats was to make a star chart and hand out stars for random acts of responsible, helpful behavior.   Now I just need to remember to do it.   They seemed to respond to that variable.   The best news is the husband really has responded.   That is so cute.   He has been doing an amazing job of helping out around here.   His 13 year old clone also seems to appreciate the star chart so I will somehow have to remember this more often.    The littlest people could use some stars if they actually spend any length of time not whining, crying or screaming.  

In light of little screamers, I pondered how to extinguish this behavior for increased peace around here.   Yesterday I was pretty much intolerant of this behavior and had children washing floors, running around the house and sitting on their beds to do their own pondering.   It got a bit ridiculous so my revised plan is to pick a kid and try to assist one at a time to work on their screaming, whining habit.   I don't mean I will let the rest get away with stuff but if I try to extinguish this loveliness from everyone at the same time, it will probably only leave me screaming and whining.   Chillax people!!!    I will have to do a combination, wash the floors if you whine, with "yay, you get a star for making it through an hour without whining or screaming!"

  It is the vast quantity of little buzzards, conspiring to suck the life out of me, which is the most challenging.   Focusing and finishing anything seems hampered by all the interruption so somehow I hope to make some progress on all of this for everyone's sanity.   I know!   I can carry treats in my pocket and when they illicit the proper response to my experiment, they get a treat!    Facepalm.   Breathe.

Fat

I am SO sick of not being able to lose this stupid weight.   If life keeps me from biking then.....I get fat again.   Argh.   I am now on the 'eat as little as I can get away with' plan.   I've been lamely attempting to get all the pre-Christmas stuff done, such as the annual Christmas card, and then maybe I can fool myself into thinking I can find time to bike again.    I MUST get rid of stress,, also known as all the meals etc. I am responsible for to keep everyone cheerful, too and then, maybe then.....I can work on that BMI.   Losing weight does not make chubby cheeks me look older either.   The natural chubby cheeks help keep the wrinkle monster under control.   You SO wanted to know this random information about me didn't you. 

Overwhelmed

It is amazing to me how fast I fall into being overwhelmed by the tasks at hand with this bunch of kids.    I begin the day a rational being and then an hour or so goes by and just being conscious and looking around the house brings out the ADD in me and "how in the world to prioritize THIS day?" syndrome.   The hubby fashioned a crude bookshelf for the basement over the weekend and I can not wait to tackle getting books and such off of surfaces and filling that puppy up.   Many thanks for the shelves!!!!   I attempt the FlyLady principles but still can't quite get taking one thing at a time.   I am not sure how other people get a handle on their large families and I don't suppose their plights are much brighter.    Turning my head to prayer helps and staying on top of food in their bellies also helps.   Taking one hour at a time is a nice goal.   Not starting new projects before the present projects are done also helps but of course is not as fun.   Self discipline.   Ugh.   Breathe.   Focus on what is going right.   Hugging and squeezing the baby helps too.   Onward.    

A recent article on money spending habits is probably not news to most of you but this concept of looking at your inner brat when it comes to money spending was a good reminder for me.   The article talked about how the author named their inner spending brat after someone they knew as a young person who acted like one.   Juanita wasn't a 'brat' as I don't like that word in reference to kids but......she was a little student who definitely liked her own way so my inner spending  brat will be Juanita.   My spending habits can surely be Juanitaish at times.   Actually too often.    So.....the silly FlyLady has me examining that aspect of my family life and management or lack thereof.    Trying to organize my book habit is daunting so perhaps I should finish reading what I have?    Discipline......is such a challenge.   Books are my biggest temptation next to a sale on cute kids clothes or even mommy clothes.   Hmmmmm.........not too good.    Here ends today's confession.   I will probably kick myself for yesterdays.......

If you say......

in any public way, that your kid is learning to read then they might promptly stop learning, forget everything you have taught them and come to a screeching halt.   I have learned to never say things are going well and keep it all a deep dark secret lest I find myself disappointed.  Quietly keeping that all to myself till they have graduated, I've quit teaching them, or they get a job is the plan for me.    I have nine kids.   They are all great and wonderful kidlets.   They mostly live here except for that one who lives south in some school place.   I'll let you know what is up with her in a year or so......hopefully.    Same goes with announcing the regular use of underwear.    You might discover them in their yucky diaper when you thought they had normal human wear on.   If you spend time with one of the kids, another will come and tell you how you never talk to them or play games with them.    Oh dear.   If you switch curriculum because you think it is better, your kids will take two years to catch up to where they would have been in the old curriculum.    Do I care?   Not usually but sometimes I might feel squished by the list of things to do.

Definitely do not declare that you are working on the kids basic attitude and improving it.   Someone is sure to stop by when you are snapping at a kid or two kids are killing each other in the driveway.   If you say you are going to complete a project by Christmas......don't say that.   It is best to take one day at a time.   One thing at a time works.   Hard to remember but it works......if I can remember.    So goes my rambling for Tuesday.   Now off to decide to get something done but I am not telling you what it is.