A Tribute to Gil the fish

A few days ago, my beloved Gil breathed his last.   Gil was the best goldfish a woman could ask for.   I am pretty sure he was seven or eight years old when he passed.    Sigh.   Such a good fish.

He started his journey as a little fish in our fairy garden in our backyard.   I had made a little tiny pond in the little tiny garden with an air pump to keep the fishies alive.   There were five in the beginning.   Five adorable, lovely fish.   They arrived sometime in June.   Everything went smoothly for awhile.   I would walk outside and hear the little bubbly noise of the water from the wittle pond which of course was so very relaxing and what every American should experience.   I was feeling great and I was feeling fine.   Gil and his friends swam happily together eating mosquito larvae and living the good life.  

One night a few days later....I discovered two of the cute little fellows had gone missing.   The kids were distraught when they found out.   We assumed a neighboring cat got hungry but in hind sight it was more likely a raccoon.   They died a violent death for sure.   We did catch some raccoon that summer but we will never know what exactly happened.   I try not to think about it very long.

The rest of the summer passed and at summers end, only Gil remained.   The weather was getting a lot colder so we decided it was time for him to move inside.   There were no fish bowls kicking around so I made a trip to WalMart to get the necessary supplies.   So many choices of colored rocks and little plastic pirates!   I settled on the blue, pink and green rocks and the standard fish bowl.  You know the kind you can carry around in elevators and to appointments and such.  I passed on the plactic pirates as being a bit to cheesy.

The adventures we had with Gill.   Sigh.   Such sweet memories of Gil on the shelf and having our very own cat Scout regularly visit for a drink of water and a cat's equivalent to TV watching, peering at Gil through the glass. They had such a great friendship. I think they did....pretty sure.....  Gil must have had incredible trust to not have heart failure after some of these visits but the cat respectfully drank the water and I never saw her reach in.  She just day dreamed about it.  

Years literally passed and Gil grew in size and stature.  He was also joined by some of the other survivors from future summers.   I couldn't bear putting Gil back outside again so his  gallon bowl housed about five other fish who joined him through the years, from what I can remember.    Eventually he and his friends got so so big it was time for them to get a new pad.  The standard fish bowl is only one gallon.   I found a square tank on Amazon which had a nice filter and pump setup and they finally had more space to move around.   I have no idea how six fish were surviving in a one gallon bowl but they did.  Ah....space.   So delicious and refreshing to see them moving about together.  

Several more years went by and they all grew in size and stature.   My brother was marveling at them all squishing in their five gallon tank and staying alive.   What goldfish could survive such a squishy environment?   He let me know that he had fifty gallon tank sitting in his backyard which he could reseal and check for leaks.   Fifty gallons!   We've traveled huge tank land before,  but decided that I would accept his offer and make room for the goldfish to move up in the world to a fish palace! Wow.  

I can be glad at heart to know that Gil spent his last few years in enough space where he could find some quiet time away from his friends.   They totally loved their new pad.   The TV screen for the cats and children was incredible.   Sigh.   I tried to remember to feed them regularly and mostly keep up with the care of the water and filters.   Such a glorious fish life.

A few weeks ago I noticed Gil was spending a bit more time resting on the bottom.   I was a bit concerned but figured it was just a coincidence he was still there most of the time.   When I put food in the tank he would still swim to the top.   Then the other night.....choke......he was laying on his side and had labored breathing.   My poor Gil!   I wasn't sure what to do as I am not a fish expert.   I couldn't take him out back with a 22 but I had to do something.   He was clearly suffering so decided to take him out and hold him in his last minutes.   Did you know fish can breathe outside the tank for a long time???!!!!!   Well they can.   He couldn't move anymore so I knew it was for the best but seriously, watching him breathing every so often and staring blankly ahead was pretty hearth wrenching.  My son was crying.    Two of the kids sat with me and we talked about all our memories of Gil through the years.  Finally Gil breathed his last.   We wrapped him in a little cloth and took him back to the fairy garden where he had lived his first summer with us.   The kids dug his grave and put him in.   My son placed a rock over where he was buried and we will always remember him when we occasionally make it down to the fairy garden for some weeding.  

 He lived at least seven years and I wouldn't trade them for anything.   I still look for Gil in the tank.   Nothing will ever be the same in that tank without him.   Goodbye Gil!   You were the best!

Day off

I wonder if I can remember to take every Wednesday off and have it be 'the day off"?   Our Monday and Tuesday have me on my toes from Monday when I wake up til Tuesday around eleven.   If I give the whole family permission to take the next day off, I think that will remove quite a bit of stress for everyone.    I've been trying to figure out the schedule so we don't all lose our minds.  

Taking today off from tasks and homework has been over the moon wonderful.   We slept til we wanted to, I had a doctor's appointment and a few errands to run and the rest of the time has been everyone chilling out and waiting for Evening Prayer time.

I want to write more so will see if this is the last post for a few years or if I can manage to get back to it.  I've had many a blog post rolling around in my head but none get down in writing.  

Kids are normal

The phrase that kids will be kids is so true.  I'm trying to wrap my head more around this when finding messes and taking it all less personally so hat maybe my marbles will stay somewhat together.  A lot of thing in life are just normal.  The toddlers rearrange the house as a regular rule in the name of curiosity.  The energy of pre adolescents can amaze us.  The ability for them to bypass messes is really normal.  It doesn't really matter to them.  They are not of an age to understand the value of what food costs or whether a cup has sentimental value to you as it gets broken.  These events are not personal threats to you.

I can mentally understand the concept of oblivious accidents and messes and even remind other parents of the same.  The puppy dog eyed five year old who might have spilled twenty pounds of oatmeal on the floor really wasn't trying to upset his mom.  So why can't I always recognize this for myself.   Giving kids to do lists without believing they have secret meetings to make you crazy by ignoring you.  The behavior is just normal.

I want to remember this to lower my own stress and just simply have normal cleaning times and lists without internalizing it all.  Every normal child has waited to the last second lest they've discovered.   I remember doing it.  I was an expert.  I was normal.  So talented too I'm sure.  I fought with great skill with my brother and I'm not sure how we made it out alive.   Such awesome memories.

Moving forward with today's tasks and routine is just normal too.   I can't add anything more to our live or implode.   Yeah.  That is a thing.  I do hope that improves as the littles get older so exploring other activities doesn't add to my work load but for now I will just try to be at peace with the normal which is mine.

Side tracked and whining a bit

That phrase seems to apply to almost everything.   Shakespeare hardly made it out of the starting gates and my uncle got sick and in a very short time died.   That took me to Minnesota for several weeks and only left time to breathe in between.   I did spend some valuable time with my dying uncle, my extended family, and  my own family in a context outside of normal.   That saying that stress is the new normal is pretty true, but if I push aside the stuff which seems important, then stress goes down a lot.   I'm still not back on my feet per se and sort of want to do absolutely nothing for a long time.   I have more items on my to do list to take care of where it concerns my uncle.   I am going to have to make myself make the necessary phone calls, and fill out the paperwork.  

Right now I am listening to awesome horn music and sinking my teeth into it's awesomeness.   I might have to look this particular concerto up and see if I can get the music.   I seem out of touch somehow with regular tasks and being alone away from the messes and constant needs and my self inflicted guilt over not getting to all the things which are waiting for my attention.  

Syrup season appears it will be short lived this year.   I suppose it could still get pretty cold again and get the water moving again.   I haven't collected yet but the kids and hubby have.   I've been attempting to focus on the kids school and making up for the time I was gone.

And.....I've wanted to blog more.   I need to write my days out of my head a bit since finding an audience besides myself is not readily available in light of crumbs on the table and floor and my desperate need for kids to help keep up after that.   The divorced socks persistently make me nutty too.

Shakespeare

I am trying to get a handle on how to read Shakespeare because I want to.   When I read Shakespeare, I start to Shakespeare speak.   I ordered a book this morning to help me figure out how to read the lesser known plays.   I suppose this is Karin giving herself a crash course in Shakespeare, even if it takes a year.   I can't even remember the name of the play I am reading now....pause to check.  I think it is called "Two Gentleman" and now I am currently getting lost in what is going on.  

I am sure this is too lofty a goal to try to work on right now but hey, I am tired of being ignorant of all things Shakespeare.   I  only know a little.   My high school English teacher, who I loved and sadly can't remember her name, was awesome at helping us understand what we were reading.   I have carried that reading with me to other books read and I also get to understand some of the more subtle jokes in movies etc.   That seems like a fun reason to read the plays right?   Hopefully I don't look back at this post months from now and realize I forgot to keep reading them.   Here goes!

Conclusion on 'clearing the mind'

I am almost done with said psychology book.   The grain I get out of it is to do what I can to stop thinking about the yuck that comes my way from various locations in the form of dysfunction.   My own interpretation of this is that ultimately it doesn't matter, Christ is still risen from the dead.   It doesn't matter if my encounters are anxiety ridden and hard for me to be patient with.   There is a way to separate the dysfunction from dragging me down which include forgiveness, doing what I can to not respond and to remember Christ is risen from the dead so.....carry on.   I don't think I would recommend this book to someone who is not well grounded in the faith.    If you find me sitting like a Buddha in the corner humming, please have a chat with me okay?    Continuing in the hearing and preaching of the Word, Confession and Absolution, prayer and Catechesis.   That seems like a good plan.   We are not ducks which can let it all roll off our backs easily but we can remember how we are grounded.

Distraction by Reading

I have this stupid struggle with depression and so since it is stupid but real, I have decided to distract myself by reading.....a lot.    The internet gives a person popcorn brain and facebook does not help all that much to distract but rather detracts from my functioning so.......between running away from the internet, at least during most of the day, and whacking away at my 'want to reads' and 'want to read to the kids' agenda, I might be able to keep my mind occupied against the evils lurking at my door with my head.   Sounds like a plan.

Of course reading could add to depression if I read to avoid real life.   Yuck.   The balance is a pain.   Can I handle structured life?   I might be able to remember structured life this week, but maybe I will forget next week?   Who knows.

My last read, "A Tale of Two Cities" was very awesome.   Some say it has too much tedium in the beginning, but I think I just want to reread the beginning so I can connect the dots of all the nuances I missed the first time round.   It took me weeks to find time to read at all so I thought I was just mixed up from forgetting what had already happened.   Perhaps I was just a bit lost.   I highly recommend it for excellent weaving of events and characters.   The Christ like sacrifice was beautifully written and a basic work of art.   Images of the feet walking and walking forward through life and death the sure end to all were rich.   I kind of wonder now if my grandfather was a fan of this book or if he chose the verse for his gravestone from a basic love of the promise it holds.  Perhaps my grandmother chose it.   Jesus said to her, “I am the resurrection and the life.[d] Whoever believes in me, though he die, yet shall he live, 26 and everyone who lives and believes in me shall never die. John 11: 25 - 26.   Perhaps I will choose this for my gravestone.   I never met my grandfather but feel bonded to him in this verse.   It was a key verse in "A Tale".   Yay Dickens!   There are some of his I want to reread.   

So other than reading and running away from the internet as much as this weakling can manage.....remembering my responsibilities might be helpful too.   Hmmmm........runs away from laptop.   

Sleep

I have been making an attempt to catch up on some sleep.   Today my pedometer reported 181 steps at 10:30.   That was the total from getting up to make sure short people were occupied and then returned to bed.   There must have been glue in that bed.   There are tasks screaming at me to get done and yet I didn't give a hoot this morning.   For that matter, I didn't give a hoot the morning before.   Hmmm.....I wonder how late I can sleep in tomorrow?  

Whining some more here......I think sleep deprivation and stress have done a number on my tummy too.   Tomorrow we are having some nice chicken and noodle soup.   I will have to parcel some off for later.   If there isn't time to rest, I am going to ignore the stress and rest okay?  

And I am going to be in deep trouble when the short people get a little older and learn to love their bed too.   Twenty-two years of sleep deprivation........I am allowing myself some freedom to be a sloth this week.  Perhaps next week I will feel perkier.   Goodnight.

Patience with elders

I received a call this noon that my mother-in-law was having some sort of episode.   She seemed confused and was refusing to eat.   Naturally I went to see what was up and was thinking perhaps she had a stroke.   She clearly wasn't her normal active self when I got there.   I am one to observe what in the world is going on so took several hours of talking with her and the nurses and she seemed to actually perk up and then was willing to eat.  There is a call into the doctor and so we are waiting for guidance.  

The fact that she perked up speaks loudly to the importance of communicating with our elders and assuring them we care.   I am not patting myself on the back, it was just interesting to see the transformation from the quiet scared woman to the more relaxed and willing to work with us woman in the course of a few hours.   I am grateful she will listen to reason with persistence and grateful she does not appear to have had a stroke.   We shall see.

In the meantime I am just tired.   My youngest had strep and bad ear infections this week.   The older ones have been strongly urged to persevere in their schooling and hopefully they did while I was away this afternoon.   I haven't circled the wagons to see if that is true or not.   I did have the smarts to call in reinforcements to help with dinner at church this evening.   Hopefully I can get to church later but in the meantime will probably slug around.   The phone has not rung for the doctor report so......rest while I can.  

Teaching maturity

Putting behavior in terms of maturity has been my latest mantra with my maturing children.   What does maturing mean?   Considering our own behavior in light of how it effects the other person.....I think.   Will it make my family's load lighter, then in love for my family I might set the table without being asked.   Or I might go change the stinky diaper and not wait to be told.  

My current five year old is one to file this sort of information away and think about it and then give me a report on how he is doing currently.   It is always a random comment not prompted by me, but rather reported to me.   "I am not screaming like I used to Mom."  Yay!   Happy day!   He is considering his behavior.   He still has growing up to do but he has learned to reflect at five on his behavior.  

If I talk to each of them every so often about this concept of reflecting, then when they are doing whatever they are doing, it might run through their mind to think about it.   Asking them how they are doing seems far more effective than telling them how they are doing.   Telling them how I am reflecting on my own behavior also is helpful to them I think.  

What I want to avoid though is everyone in the family comparing how the other is doing to everyone else.   This is when my head might hit the table but we all do this and I tell them so and try to steer them back to what they are responsible for.   Parenting is a lot of work.   It exhausts and challenges our patience.   I am grateful for the sleep I manage to get to recharge my batteries and try again the next day.   Pushing myself and then pushing them to keep working on their vocations and run from their entertainment probably should become a sign on my forehead to remind me of what *I* need to do.   Run from entertainment.   Yes.   Sigh.   Easier said then done.  

Now I am rambling and thinking on how this is entertaining so will now run away.  

Saturdays and loose ends

I find myself seeing Saturday as the day to tie up loose ends from the week.   This past week was a major recipe for exhaustion but I did manage to wake up with some energy this morning.   The drill was making coffee, looking around and taking in the fallout from the week and doing my best to focus.   One thing at a time.  

There was laundry to put away, beans to can and put away, counters in the kitchen to find again, and finally following through with making homemade re fried beans.   They were not really fried but did turn out very yummy.   Erik and Charley went car shopping while all of this went on and by the time the morning was over I was calling Charleys cell phone and holding the phone out to him so he could hear all the displeasure noises emitting from his small people.   Rescue me!!!    I had spent the whole last week listening to too many disgruntled humans and needed a break.   The guys came home without any new car for Erik, but I didn't care too much about that.   Just let me leave!!!  

I went to my favorite nursery and got a few small evergreens to fill in some areas in the backyard.   My new landscaping scheme is to fill up spaces with trees and shrubs which look attractive and not have so much of an area to plant with perennials and annuals for the summer.   The owner wasn't there but did leave a note saying to write down what I had selected and leave it so she could bill me.   I love that place.   I pondered and pondered for well over an hour, all alone.......it was awesome.  

On the way home I had a chance to talk to Anna for a bit and that too was relaxing and nice as usual.   I miss my girl.   Sigh.   I will see her for a little while in a little over a week for her recital so that will be something to look forward to.  

I am dreaming of dreaming and getting bunches of sleep this evening even if I have to resort to hitting myself up side the head to get to sleep.   Hoping also to read bunches of my latest read before I do that.   It has been a basically nice day in spite of the morning whining.  

Four or five days later.....or more

On Monday I put a cup of butter in my awesome Bosch mixer which takes up tons of space on my limited counter.   I thought that banana oatmeal bars sounded.....um....healthy?     It sounded like one of those things which well organized, conscientious mothers make for their children for breakfast.   Well, I didn't get to the rest of the ingredients jumping in the mixer till....Thursday.   How pathetic is that???!!!!    In the meantime, the counter has been missing the dish drying rack as there was no room, who knows what shape the butter really is in, and the other adults in the family have worked patiently around it and didn't ask any questions.    The inside of me knew that there was most likely a bit of 'better not ask' going on in their heads and today hopefully they will get to eat some of it.   The sad thing is that I misread the recipe and put in white sugar instead of brown.   Four days and I still don't get it right.  

I see examples of this all over the place around here.    The kids dutifully squished the tomatoes and made sauce on Monday.....it is definitely boiled down and ready to be canned but it hasn't happened yet.   Martin found copious beans on Tuesday and they are snapped and ready to be canned.   They are waiting too.  

I've run experiments with the kids.   There was a pile of someone's socks in the hallway upstairs years back and I decided to see if they would ever disappear.   Well, I think after six months I gave up and decided to just pick them up but it was interesting to walk by.   I did mention them several times.   Experiments like this are a recipe for my insanity and shouldn't be tried.  

I am not sure how to turn off that overwhelm feeling but will push along to do the next thing and hope for the best....today.

Invited to tea

I was invited to have tea with a friend today.   My inner overwhelmed is fighting the urge to go with my first plan of getting tons of math done with the kids today and finding my debit card in the abyss also known as my bedroom.   This is a ridiculous decision.   Laugh and enjoy the company of an awesome person or......review fractions and square roots and....

The last two days were completely eaten with apartment shopping for my in-laws.   Sigh.   I see things slipping around here worse than they were.   We don't have any desirable food, there are tomato sauce and green beans to can, and all my previous projects of expanding the house are not quite completed.

Another friend and I were chatting yesterday about what it meant years ago to care for our parents and how was it different.   If I had nine kids in the seventies or earlier, I would have had most of them in school.   She pointed out that my full time job of home educating and simply taking care of the family is huge.   The stress of problem solving and figuring out how to get a single thing done under these circumstances is pretty daunting.  

So I have decided to have tea with my friend and try to be disciplined enough to head for home at a reasonable time.   Sigh.   If my expectation is to only get a tiny bit of something done, then I won't panic.   Slowing down my thinking to be content with hardly a thing is still a challenge.   Sigh again.  

Onward

Transitions

My in-laws have lived with us since early April.   In that time they have become far more active, eat healthy and are really improving in health and mobility rather than going down hill as is the normal drill for people who are aging and dealing with the challenges which come with that.   So my household of twelve people at home will possibly be shrinking by two as they are looking into the possibility of getting an apartment for Seniors.   The one place we have looked at is new and completely awesome.   I started planning on when I could move there too!   It is an income based set up so I probably wouldn't qualify but my in-laws on the other hand totally qualify in my mind.  

Transition....again.    It will take time and I do think they both will be happier around peers, their own space, and having their own beloved TV with cable.   Whoa.. 

The process has taken a lot of my time and I am tired but since the paper work is done for the place which they are most interested in, all the rest of the place's paper work can happen at a slower pace.   I must pay attention to the kiddos and since moving slower was my goal to begin with, I sort of need to be here at home to get anything done no matter how slowly it happens.   Stay tuned......

Got through today

I have to stop and think what we even did today if it was earlier than noon.  That is sad....I guess.   I know that the kids picked tomatoes and I hung out some laundry.   This afternoon, Matthew asked to do some practice driving.   What started as a one hour drive, turned into a four hour adventure.   Between paying bills, turning in insurance information which I had forgotten, returning Erik's crutches, mailing stuff and paying more bills, and.....accidentally being in the neighborhood of Better World Books and stopping in.....this all took awhile.   We even managed to get lost for a small while and explored an area I had never been to in our quest to get reoriented.   Of course we had a hilarious time.  Every driving student (child) of mine has been an enjoyable time for me.  

The evening was spent quickly preparing and eating dinner, going to a Divine Service at church, saying goodbye to a dear young friend who will be missed this school year and then returning to spend a few hours with Martin in helping him figure out how to use a computer.   I suppose I should be ashamed (?) that my fourteen year old does not know how to navigate a website, but he has never cared before.   He now wants to learn how to type as doing what he is doing now takes up too much time.   Smart boy.   I love natural consequences of past resistance to such skills.   I should not take too much pleasure in that.

I am sure we will pick up where we left off in the morning.  

Child discipline

It is becoming more and more clear to me that many parenting books and people seem to employ a strong level of *control* as a first choice of relating to children.   I can not recall reading much about what goes on the other side in the minds of the children.   I have a tendency to stare at my little people and big people's faces more and more and ponder how they too have emotions and feelings which are real and important.   A person I know was talking about how he thought yelling was an effective way to get a child to listen.   I remember being a child.   I had several teachers who yelled at me  hard and long till I shook uncontrollably  and cried most of the rest of those days.   Yelling.   I never received an apology as you know they were adults and I was only a child who frustrated them apparently.   Just as I remember the yelling so do children who are on the receiving end now.    If adults yelled at each other in the same way I was yelled at then in a public sector, I would imagine they might be looked down on or fired or something.   I am not even sure but I do know that it would certainly shock people.   The yelling which goes on behind closed doors is equally painful to a child and of course to adults who experience the same yelling.  Too much yelling.   I only mention all of this as crying and shaking is the reaction to yelling.   Whether it is outward crying and shaking or inward.   THAT is what a child experiences when yelled at.   

I am not sure what I am really driving at as this has become rambling but seriously, endorsing yelling or control means as a  method to *make* children do what they wish them to do is just disturbing.   Endorsing cheerfulness, willing helpers, talking to children as if they are people (cough, cough), modeling this to children through our own behavior, these are all ways to connect with another person known children.  

My favorite times are just working with my kids on some regular task like sweeping a room or hunting dust bunnies on the ceiling, or doing something more interesting like planting the garden (fun) and exchanging chatter with my excited little ones in the process.   Love motivates.   Love and concern for our neighbor is THE answer.   Yelling tears down and destroys relationships. Controlling chilren and not listening to them certainly does not help either.  Yelling kills really.   Children love to be talked WITH and not at.   Listen to those little ones and all the children who are not so little anymore.  

Sadness to me is the days I can't squeeze in some reading time with my kids.   Reading and talking to my kiddos.   Love your children and your family and friends.   It is a very awesome things.  

Transition

I probably have mentioned we have thirteen for dinner every night with the age ranging from 21 months to 85 years old.   We are an interesting mix.   I am trying to think of a name for our camp so we can all keep our humor.   The funny thing is I used to think I wanted to be a camp director when I was a youngling so voila!   Now I am.   One of the scheduling issues I am currently pondering is how to make it possible to allow for individual time for everyone.   We have to all get out of our gated community every so often and then of course there is the natural result of having people around you all the time.   Phew.  Teaching everyone that I am not really a mind reader will probably be the most helpful strategy.   Perhaps a communication board.   I am open to ideas.   I also wish I could find a good read on elder care and link in somehow with some people with experience.   I am grateful I did get some breaks this weekend so feel a bit better about facing this coming week.   I of course need to practice "run away from my laptop" to make sure I am actually keeping on top of things.   So far so good.   Here ends this rambling post.    Input welcome. 

And Wallflowers

To my amusement, I was asked to come join the group of parents after dear daughters recital and not be a wallflower.   Ha!   Well.....I am amused but not offended as what most are concerned about for my wallflowerness does not worry me.  It seems to worry others.    I am not at all perturbed by chilling out alone and not joining in small talk.   Small talk and I do not mix very well.   I didn't know anyone else in the room beside the teacher and of course my extrovert husband.   Is there something wrong with talking with my daughter and her friend who are kids verses filling the air with.....um.....I am not sure.   The girls and I had fun and I enjoyed spending time listening to them talk and visit with each other.  When will I get a chance to listen to such happy exchanges if I choose to leave them and talk about....???   Content to do my thing.   It is okay. 

Nostalgia

The weather is turning south and the roads were clear, so my biking obsession got the better of me.   I asked my five year old how the weather was as he had just come in and he said, "It rained.   Then it didn't.   Then it did.   Now it's done."   Okay.....good enough for me.    As it turned out it rained the whole ten miles and I got soaked to the gills but got the bike ride in.    The whole journey, complete with five deer jumping in front of me, had me mentally take a trip down memory lane.   I took several wilderness like trips as a youthling so all the rain and being stuck in it reminded me of the 50 mile canoe trip I took.   I have a sick love of a challenge.   We had many portages through rain and muck and I insisted on carrying the canoe across a muddy portage and one other hilarious journey for a mile with two packs on me, one in the front and one on the back.   A good friend and I got our shoes stuck in the mud and  somehow had to pull our shoes out with packs on  and feeling a lot like up-righted turtles.   I really had a sick love of the challenge.   Cross country, track, hiking mountains and running ridiculous amounts of miles daily.    

Nostalgic thinking led me to think of how I haven't given up that insanity and love of feeling strong and fit.   Nothing ever seems small with our family either, not the number of kids, our big old house which celebrates its 150th this year and all the challenges it has brought.   Then I was thinking how it makes perfect sense that my love of a challenge landed me a husband with extreme interests, endless energy, huge projects, excellence in engineering and a similar love of hiking, biking etc.   Nothing small.    Is it any surprise to me when I feel  that  release from conquering mountains.   Mowing 5 acres with a self-propelled mower walk behind, gardening and sweating, climbing dunes with the kids.    This has been the way of my life. 

So biking as hard as I can down the road for ten miles dodging ice and attempting to get up that next hill faster and easier than the last time.   Sometimes it is nice to make progress.   Sometimes it is nice to have less snow so you can bike like a nut in the rain and wind, get soaked to the gills and return to do the next thing at home.  It keeps my need of time alone and quiet and helps me face the challenges of the day. 

Eyes

Call it all weird and sappy but seriously, how can you look at your little sinners and not have some pause for thought when you see their little eyes in action.  Saints and sinners, even the short people and all the rest of us.     The older my kids get, they seem to change that look of enthusiasm to something different but as I have observed in our thirteen year old, they come out of their cocoon when their body is done with the 13 year old growth explosion.   Our thirteen year old went from a year or two of introverted behavior, to being more animated etc.   There seemed one day in particular which I was wondering what he had been smoking as his silly self had been missing for awhile.   Hmmm.......every stage is so different.  Seeing his eyes light up was encouraging.    I have not parented eyes beyond age 20 but where they *are at* seems pretty evident by what their eyes are saying to me.   Compassion for our childrens eyes, taking time to go and talk to them alone even when we are tired is an opportunity to see what is going on.   With our family number, there is so much maintenance going on that taking time for pause with individuals is certainly a challenge.   My mental check list might panic if I considered the last time I had a chance to connect with each kid, but hopefully they know I care. My lazy self might not be able to muster up the energy to keep up that connecting so even remembering to rip my eyes away from my current book or computer helps me connect a bit better with all of them, hubby included.  Physical  presence close to them does make a difference so even if I can't talk to them, being around helps some.  Basically I am wowed by fellow man if they are my family or others.   So goes my ramblings of the morning as I listen to short people coughing and stumbling about their morning.