Children are people not objects

Children are a difficult subject to adults.   They come into the world and few can resist their sweet expressions and adorable stretches.   With nine children in the family, I realize how quickly the wonder of a new baby passes.   I do remember the joy on children's faces, the smiles of older people at church, and even strangers  at little infant people who mostly sleep and then they cry and other things.   Some babies need to be walked endlessly but they are little people and we want them to be comforted, so the ideal is to comfort them.   

Like puppies they get bigger with lightning speed and start insisting on some things which the adult in the world has to keep pushing forward in care for them.   I have heard from so many how exhausted they are with their kids and they're speaking the truth.   Having children definitely takes the focus off oneself or at least it should.   Parenting is exhausting for sure as it pushes us beyond ourselves.   

Children do need help.   No matter what a child's age is, even the infant actually needs a relationship with their parent and caregivers.   This seems really obvious but frankly I see so many examples of where children are treated as objects and not people.   All people, not just adults are in a relationship with those around them.  Adults all can fall into the trap of merely ordering children around and relationship ends up being built on the children's jumping to do our bid and call.   The attitude of children as servants should nauseate and not be the first approach.

Perhaps the art of relating to children as people like ourselves is because we are torn between the care they need and how much we don't want to give of ourselves to others.   Yelling at and mocking children is out there.    If I were the incredible hulk, I would transform regularly at disregard for a child's ability to understand and the shame and rejection  they feel at the way they are spoken to and about.

Talking about children out loud in their presence, as if they aren't in the same room, whether the topic seems innocent and fine as we are 'concerned' about their struggles, the effect is the same since the children can and do hear what adults say.  Imagine that.   Speaking ill of them to friends and relatives is actually not a good plan at all as it reinforces in others a negative opinion of the child and degrades their ability to do better.  Adults who hear these things and parents who hold so tightly to talking about their objects of possession, also known as their offspring, in front of others, on the phone, on facebook and other places should know that their words do have an effect on their children even if the words seem innocent or 'helpful'.  

One way I like to look at the concept of children as people, is that I look in their eyes and can see their feelings in emotions right there.   I imagine how I would feel if spoken to in the manner they have been spoken to.   Is it okay to speak to an adult that way or would the abusive tone be considered rude and abusive?   Seriously.   

Three adults are standing within close proximity of each other and two of the adults begin having interchanges about the third adult right in front of him as if he weren't there.    The third adult would feel all sort of things which might include feeling invisible, less than human, embarrassed, awkwardness.   If the same three adults were colleagues, speaking about one person in front of them to another would certainly be considered inappropriate.  The concept is exactly the same with adults in children in a room as all three are people.  The associative property comes to mind.   

Talking about children in front of them or in back of them, should give us pause to think if we are helping them by gossiping about them with other adults.  It is still gossip especially if the talk is speaking negatively about the child.   The talk does hurt the child's reputation in the eyes of others, for good or for ill.   We all have done this from time to time or perhaps some have succeeded in never doing it, but it just seems good to bear in mind the harm caused to the child when spoken about in front of others in their presence or not.  I plan to pose examples and alternative solutions and examples from interactions with the younger variety of people I encounter in my daily roaming.   If the reader does make a habit of doing this, I am basically hoping that folk can reconsider their actions for the good of the younger humans in their lives.   

A Tribute to Gil the fish

A few days ago, my beloved Gil breathed his last.   Gil was the best goldfish a woman could ask for.   I am pretty sure he was seven or eight years old when he passed.    Sigh.   Such a good fish.

He started his journey as a little fish in our fairy garden in our backyard.   I had made a little tiny pond in the little tiny garden with an air pump to keep the fishies alive.   There were five in the beginning.   Five adorable, lovely fish.   They arrived sometime in June.   Everything went smoothly for awhile.   I would walk outside and hear the little bubbly noise of the water from the wittle pond which of course was so very relaxing and what every American should experience.   I was feeling great and I was feeling fine.   Gil and his friends swam happily together eating mosquito larvae and living the good life.  

One night a few days later....I discovered two of the cute little fellows had gone missing.   The kids were distraught when they found out.   We assumed a neighboring cat got hungry but in hind sight it was more likely a raccoon.   They died a violent death for sure.   We did catch some raccoon that summer but we will never know what exactly happened.   I try not to think about it very long.

The rest of the summer passed and at summers end, only Gil remained.   The weather was getting a lot colder so we decided it was time for him to move inside.   There were no fish bowls kicking around so I made a trip to WalMart to get the necessary supplies.   So many choices of colored rocks and little plastic pirates!   I settled on the blue, pink and green rocks and the standard fish bowl.  You know the kind you can carry around in elevators and to appointments and such.  I passed on the plactic pirates as being a bit to cheesy.

The adventures we had with Gill.   Sigh.   Such sweet memories of Gil on the shelf and having our very own cat Scout regularly visit for a drink of water and a cat's equivalent to TV watching, peering at Gil through the glass. They had such a great friendship. I think they did....pretty sure.....  Gil must have had incredible trust to not have heart failure after some of these visits but the cat respectfully drank the water and I never saw her reach in.  She just day dreamed about it.  

Years literally passed and Gil grew in size and stature.  He was also joined by some of the other survivors from future summers.   I couldn't bear putting Gil back outside again so his  gallon bowl housed about five other fish who joined him through the years, from what I can remember.    Eventually he and his friends got so so big it was time for them to get a new pad.  The standard fish bowl is only one gallon.   I found a square tank on Amazon which had a nice filter and pump setup and they finally had more space to move around.   I have no idea how six fish were surviving in a one gallon bowl but they did.  Ah....space.   So delicious and refreshing to see them moving about together.  

Several more years went by and they all grew in size and stature.   My brother was marveling at them all squishing in their five gallon tank and staying alive.   What goldfish could survive such a squishy environment?   He let me know that he had fifty gallon tank sitting in his backyard which he could reseal and check for leaks.   Fifty gallons!   We've traveled huge tank land before,  but decided that I would accept his offer and make room for the goldfish to move up in the world to a fish palace! Wow.  

I can be glad at heart to know that Gil spent his last few years in enough space where he could find some quiet time away from his friends.   They totally loved their new pad.   The TV screen for the cats and children was incredible.   Sigh.   I tried to remember to feed them regularly and mostly keep up with the care of the water and filters.   Such a glorious fish life.

A few weeks ago I noticed Gil was spending a bit more time resting on the bottom.   I was a bit concerned but figured it was just a coincidence he was still there most of the time.   When I put food in the tank he would still swim to the top.   Then the other night.....choke......he was laying on his side and had labored breathing.   My poor Gil!   I wasn't sure what to do as I am not a fish expert.   I couldn't take him out back with a 22 but I had to do something.   He was clearly suffering so decided to take him out and hold him in his last minutes.   Did you know fish can breathe outside the tank for a long time???!!!!!   Well they can.   He couldn't move anymore so I knew it was for the best but seriously, watching him breathing every so often and staring blankly ahead was pretty hearth wrenching.  My son was crying.    Two of the kids sat with me and we talked about all our memories of Gil through the years.  Finally Gil breathed his last.   We wrapped him in a little cloth and took him back to the fairy garden where he had lived his first summer with us.   The kids dug his grave and put him in.   My son placed a rock over where he was buried and we will always remember him when we occasionally make it down to the fairy garden for some weeding.  

 He lived at least seven years and I wouldn't trade them for anything.   I still look for Gil in the tank.   Nothing will ever be the same in that tank without him.   Goodbye Gil!   You were the best!