Conclusion on 'clearing the mind'

I am almost done with said psychology book.   The grain I get out of it is to do what I can to stop thinking about the yuck that comes my way from various locations in the form of dysfunction.   My own interpretation of this is that ultimately it doesn't matter, Christ is still risen from the dead.   It doesn't matter if my encounters are anxiety ridden and hard for me to be patient with.   There is a way to separate the dysfunction from dragging me down which include forgiveness, doing what I can to not respond and to remember Christ is risen from the dead so.....carry on.   I don't think I would recommend this book to someone who is not well grounded in the faith.    If you find me sitting like a Buddha in the corner humming, please have a chat with me okay?    Continuing in the hearing and preaching of the Word, Confession and Absolution, prayer and Catechesis.   That seems like a good plan.   We are not ducks which can let it all roll off our backs easily but we can remember how we are grounded.

And then there is reality

I have awesome thoughts about what to do but in reality, we trip through the day slowly and hope to not either wallow in filth, hope to have a pair of socks to wear, hope to know what is for dinner etc.   Today I have two appointments in the morning, tomorrow hopefully only one as I change the time of another.   The in-laws need attention, and husband is away again.   Staying home as much as possible is still my mantra.   If I am not here, things fall apart (never read that book).   So my son gets a staph infection, I stand vigil and pray for healing, days are not as I think they will be and we muddle along.   Thanks be to God for Christ's Mercy.   That is my other mantra.   So much going on and I know I am finite and frail in many ways so will do my best to not allow the devil to get his crooks in me and to cry out to the Lord daily.   So much to write about so little time.......

Why was I worried???????

Once upon a time, I had a little boy who was slow to learn to read, didn't know his colors until he was at least 6, couldn't count to 40 to save his life until.....8???   This is what my memory remembers.   Bookish work was very tedious and confusing.  He was very much picked on.   Social was a challenge.  

 I also have a bunch of other memories of this same boy.   This is the same boy who after we toured the U.S. North Carolina, when he was about five years old, built a model of it complete with floors, bunks and a galley.   It was very cool.   He worked diligently and carefully.   The same boy searched for hours on end for fossils in the driveway, pinned bugs for 4H,  He taught himself how to blacksmith, built huge forts in the woods, studied antique tools and life back in the day till he could probably teach a course.   All of those things were amazing to us but we were frightened of facing academia.   They were an issue for him too.   Tests.   Yuck.  

We chose to home educate mainly because of our dear son.   He most likely would have been put in some sort of special ed class.   Well.......this same boy now works for the same company as Charley as a technician and in the course of one year has become an expert and is teaching seasoned technicians what he does and how.   He traveled to Detroit yesterday to spend a few days training other people.   His dad describes him as brilliant and amazing and well liked by everyone.   He has no technicians certificate but teaches those who are getting one.   He is 19 and younger than all of them.   Just a little bit proud of my boy.  

Why was I worried????

It is not the accoustics

Thank you father dear for inspiration......we don't agree on synod issues.....me Karin LCMS, him ELCA.   This is one of those issues I have to 'let go' as much as possible in conversation.   Well......I have heard bunches and bunches of evaluation of pastors and buildings and social dynamics involved with the church from an ELCA point of view.   Well......my response which I would give but as I mentioned.....I am practicing tightlipped.....covers many bases.   I then find inspiration for carefully asked questions as there are times I have to keep tight lipped and think through how to address the issue at hand in a loving way.

One recent issue was a rambling of why an ELCA church failed.   The explanation was something about having bad accoustics, no outreach to the neighborhood changes, and......I can't remember the last one but my Gospel antennea always spring to attention.   Oh....I think it was poor hymn choices and the lack of modern liturgical practices.     The question I will ask if given opportunity will be......what is the church really about?   Is it the accoustics or the people the pastor has to deal with or the poor arrangement of the sanctuary????   The pastors poor charisma, the programs offered, the openess to open sin? Not getting your way with how you think things should be done by the pastor????    Um......    I don't want to be confrontational but when it comes to the Gospel and the faithful preaching of Christ and the forgiveness of sins and if you are really blessed, the proper distinction of law and gospel......the church is about......drum roll please.......JESUS!   Why all of this discussion about buildings and music programs and not a word about Jesus?????!!!!!    You want to get my ire up, you will forget Jesus and focus on the implementation of current social trends and marketing.    It is SOOOO obvious that that guy Jesus is forgotten.    I guess tightlipped is actually not a bad idea as I have no interest in debating architecture but a huge interest in the forgiveness of sins.  

What if......your pastor gets grumpy and upset if Jesus, the sacrements, and the faithful preaching of the Word is forgotten.   You should LOVE that preacher!!!!!   Take care of  him and his family and share the gospel with HIM (he is blessed to hear it too), pray for him, speak well of him, keep your whining at bay, try not to 'get your way'......the list goes on.  

A story of an LCMS pastor who was privy to a criticism of seminarians (ore something like that) is a favorite of mine as it was appropriate for him to say "How dare the faith of these pastors be criticized or judged"  or something to that effect.   Yep.  

So.....call it righteous anger or correct me.   I can take it most of the time or will call in reinforcements, but loving your neighbor and forgiving them their trespasses seems the better plan and of course.......Everything is about Jesus and not the accoustics.   Sigh.   I could ramble on and on.  

Let it go

There is some sort of disconnect that happens when your family members get to the age where you have to choose whether they know what they are doing or saying or if they are just continuing to say more and more without considering the consequences of what they are saying to the recipient.    I can see where I myself have taken too much ownership of hurtful comments of extended family as if I should expect people to have manners etc.   Well......they should, but my reaction does effect the outcome.   Topics which should obviously be offensive to me and my family seem to come more freely at me and I feel like I have gone to 'not caring' what they are saying and will stay tight lipped.   It is such a careful dance.   What good does it do to argue????   It just makes them more upset and wound tight as they want to be right and then it is something more for me to think about.   It is much easier to just let it go. 

Letting it go is tough thing to teach.   Isn't it true that everyone wants to be important and right?   No one wants to hear that you or they have pissed someone off.   Inwardly pissed or inwardly ignoring and contemplating how it doesn't have to own me trip through my brain lately.   Amazingly offensive comments to all that I value just seem not to matter in light of my own life and eternity.   God willing the offenders and offendees all gather in the peace of Christ on the last day, we won't care whether the conservatives and liberals want to be right or were right.   It won't matter.   Only Christ and our undeserved forgiveness and salvation will matter and that is true now too.   It is already completed.   Our nerve endings may still take a beating now but that is not where we find our hope.   And.......I can understand that now and may forget tomorrow but it is true.   Thankful I can hang onto that today.  

The younger ones

I can't do everything of course but am trying to be a bit more conscientious about spending time with just the little people.   I have noticed especially that the younger ones do not pay as much attention to catechesis in the morning so have been attempting to do this with just the three youngest ones before they go to bed by praying with them and singing a hymn with them.   They love it.   I love it when I hear them singing during the day.   I love it when Ingrid sings the Words of Institution with the Pastor at church.   She is three.   Three year olds are awesome.....a lot of the time.   My five year old Stefan keeps randomly telling me how he is working on screaming and whining less.   I found that an amazing statement.   I told my sixteen year old earlier today in a joking way, that even though his younger siblings can annoy him that he really needs to work on screaming and whining less (said in a quiet tone while looking at him with my 'talking to little people voice).   He laughed and told me he would see what he could do about that. 

Even getting to all of the kids by reading to them is certainly a challenge.   I am reading the nine year old the Narnia books just for him.   Being a sandwich child puts him a bit frustrated at times or at least he senses the older and younger ones pulling me away from him.   I was having the 13 year old read the Harry Potter books to me but that has sort of lapsed.   I suppose I could find another hour or two somewhere to see about that. 

And.....another conscious effort is trying to get the younger half out of the house so the older ones can be home alone with quiet to study.   There is no reason for me not to be able to take the little ones to the places I took the older ones to play at parks, go to the beach or whatever.    Both sides benefit from this set up.   It went very well today and even a child who had a tantrum this morning was 'able' to be left behind with older studying brother as he had no one to bug and pester and quiet time on his hands to ponder his behavior. 

Remembering it all......that is a challenge (understatement).....one day at a time by the Grace of God. 

2011

2011 has been quite the year.   I cannot say I would like to repeat it as there was much heartache but much learned as well.   If only we could learn without the heartache.   It has been a pleasure to spend the last week of the year with family and friends here at home and with our church family.   At the moment we are watching "The Bells of St. Mary" with our neighbor who is basically a part of the family.   It is his favorite Christmas movie and I thought it would be nice to get a copy of it for us all to share together.   He is loving every minute.   My sleepy self is not going to make it through the whole thing, but every day is full of people in life to be thankful for.   I am looking forward to another such day to be thankful for tomorrow no matter what comes my way.   One day at a time. 

Family culture

The more we are all home the more I don't want to leave the family culture.   Cecilia and I were looking at baby pictures last night and to hear my dear ten year old ponder on the fact that we are more than likely done having wittle ickle babies around here and how sad that was for her, I try hard not to think about THAT and then stare at her and thank God for kids with their priorities in the right place.   I guess our family grows in different ways, with the adoption of our 65 year old neighbor who is pretty much family at this point and then who knows what the future will bring.   Taking one day at a time and one hour at a time becomes sort of an art form or something or perhaps is better known as proceeding in faith.   All nine kiddos will be home tomorrow night.    I am looking forward to a good long time this Christmas break with all of my children.   Who could not relish having their three year old join them every morning and listen to all that jabbering about thing like what is on her pajamas and what color her eyes are.    Sweet.   Well.....time to do the next thing here so....later!

Overwhelmed

It is amazing to me how fast I fall into being overwhelmed by the tasks at hand with this bunch of kids.    I begin the day a rational being and then an hour or so goes by and just being conscious and looking around the house brings out the ADD in me and "how in the world to prioritize THIS day?" syndrome.   The hubby fashioned a crude bookshelf for the basement over the weekend and I can not wait to tackle getting books and such off of surfaces and filling that puppy up.   Many thanks for the shelves!!!!   I attempt the FlyLady principles but still can't quite get taking one thing at a time.   I am not sure how other people get a handle on their large families and I don't suppose their plights are much brighter.    Turning my head to prayer helps and staying on top of food in their bellies also helps.   Taking one hour at a time is a nice goal.   Not starting new projects before the present projects are done also helps but of course is not as fun.   Self discipline.   Ugh.   Breathe.   Focus on what is going right.   Hugging and squeezing the baby helps too.   Onward.    

Yes, that was naughty

So....the commercials for the Mormon church make me a bit nutty.   I think it is a ploy to either make Mornons seem part of the norm or to help people want to be Mormon since they live such glamorous lives....apparently.    A Lutheran commercial might also show 'normal' but perhaps also show sin, (which is normal), repentance and forgiveness.   Maybe a couple having an argument, going away from each other, reflecting on their sin, repenting, asking forgiveness and receiving God's forgiveness from the Pastor and resuming living by faith and proceeding in faith.  Of course Jesus and the Holy Spirit moving hearts to repentance might be a good idea too.  That would be a Lutheran commercial or....something like that.   This is just my morning reaction to the weird pretty commercials which keep coming on during the morning local news.   Others could add to that but I must return to that vocation thing. 

Seminary Clothing Bank

I went a few years back with a friend to the Sem clothing bank and.....um.....yeah.....the childrens clothing  were nice and picked over and looked pretty sad.   In the process of thinning things out in Hornerdom, I always think of that visit and hope not to send yuck their way.   If it is my clothes, I carefully consider if I seriously will ever be that size again, in that season and picture an appreciative Sem wife with something decent to wear.   There are dresses which served during pregnancies when not too far along which went that way.   Childrens clothes.  Hmmm......I cut the reserves in half and hope someone was able to use something.  No.....it was not my sleeper on the Concordian Sister baby.   We get new clothes seemingly with every new baby one way or another and no baby could ever wear that many.   Now we are in the potential stage of downsizing in the clothing etc department so here is  hoping the bank can use more.   If it is yuck, it does not need to dry rot at the Sem.   I did think that some day it would be nice to go to garage sales and pick up decent church clothes etc to keep things fresh there.   I am grateful for how richly we have been supplied with what is needed and garage sales have rocked in this way too.   I honestly can not imagine being at the Sem and strapped for cash and managing.   Hopefully some Sem wife is not crying anymore on Sunday morning wishing for something decent to wear.  It wasn't me which provided it but God's gracious provision for this sinful group of Horners.   I just have always wanted my best cast offs to go to the Sem as I know what a wimp I am and it is pretty obvious why God found it best for me to marry an engineer.......I am just a wimp.    

Bumpier

I will not elaborate but I must say this whole year has been a test in endurance. Wow. Every time I thought the year couldn't get any more challenging, we just crank it up a notch. The up side is I do believe all this weirdness has done nothing but make us stronger. NEVER has Christ's love and forgiveness for this family of poor miserable sinners been as clear as it has now. I guess I don't even want to say or pray for things to get calmer as either I am getting used to this or reveling in the Lord is just a better place to be. I find myself just looking forward to resting at church when opportunity presents itself and if anyone had a lot of stuff to learn it was me. There is a Divine Service tomorrow evening and I can not wait. I also can not wait to get a full nights sleep. I can not remember the last time I slept even for six hours uninterrupted. This last month has been filled with illness and many a long talk on the phone for various reasons. Seeing the clock read two or three in the morning just doesn't seem to be that shocking as it is the new normal. Maybe.....this evening will be the night? I said that yesterday and.......it wasn't. Don't get your hopes up! You might be disappointed. Hope in the Lord and you will never be disappointed. Thankful that is easy to say.