Side tracked and whining a bit

That phrase seems to apply to almost everything.   Shakespeare hardly made it out of the starting gates and my uncle got sick and in a very short time died.   That took me to Minnesota for several weeks and only left time to breathe in between.   I did spend some valuable time with my dying uncle, my extended family, and  my own family in a context outside of normal.   That saying that stress is the new normal is pretty true, but if I push aside the stuff which seems important, then stress goes down a lot.   I'm still not back on my feet per se and sort of want to do absolutely nothing for a long time.   I have more items on my to do list to take care of where it concerns my uncle.   I am going to have to make myself make the necessary phone calls, and fill out the paperwork.  

Right now I am listening to awesome horn music and sinking my teeth into it's awesomeness.   I might have to look this particular concerto up and see if I can get the music.   I seem out of touch somehow with regular tasks and being alone away from the messes and constant needs and my self inflicted guilt over not getting to all the things which are waiting for my attention.  

Syrup season appears it will be short lived this year.   I suppose it could still get pretty cold again and get the water moving again.   I haven't collected yet but the kids and hubby have.   I've been attempting to focus on the kids school and making up for the time I was gone.

And.....I've wanted to blog more.   I need to write my days out of my head a bit since finding an audience besides myself is not readily available in light of crumbs on the table and floor and my desperate need for kids to help keep up after that.   The divorced socks persistently make me nutty too.

The New Normal

I think I am learning more and more about taking one hour at a time and not to have huge expectations.    Okay........I probably won't learn it well, and will still be impatient and feeling a bit unglued but I am certainly experiencing a lot of new and different things these days.

The whole year has been a whirlwind so far.   It will be Christmas soon I think.   A few months were spent intensely helping to take care of my in-laws, changing their living arrangements for the better and.....running the road to doctor appointments.   I can honestly say that running the road is not my favorite thing to do and some days I want to go to my room and lock the door.   The rest of my days have been occupied with attempting to pay attention to my children and the husband person, slowly planning a wedding for daughter dear, and helping with syrup and digging in the dirt to improve our yard.   

I am currently traveling home from my cousin's funeral.   Ugh.   It was very hard to see the faces and pain in the eyes of his parents and family.   My aunt suffered a stroke a few years ago and her mind is confused with losing her baby of course.   Ouch.   I knew she would be remembering cousin's childhood as all three of her kids were a handful but endearing in a crazy sort of way.   I think a crazy fun loving view of life was their culture growing up.   The visitation was confusing for her as all she wanted to do was talk to her boy and the rules told her to move to the side and then be more confused by many people who she didn't really know, who knew Chris.    My mommy heart hurt for her.    His dad was his usual self of gentle, quiet reserve and looking bewildered in other ways.   I admired his brain and insight as a kid so it was good to have a chance to talk with him. 

I do hope to be home and stay home as much as possible in the weeks to come.   We do have Anna's Senior recital in a little over a week in Bloomington and then the wedding of course, but I miss being able to stay put at home, wake up to the little people, play in the yard, go to the pool and just be.   The kids need me and I need them.  There are still some doc appointments in my future (yay) but will try to stick like glue to my family.    I need to stare into their eyes while I can and see how they are and what they are about.   

From the mouth of babes

My three year old and five year old have remained keenly aware that we lost a baby in October.   He is buried in the back yard.   Sigh.   They talk about him all the time which is actually a good thing.   Stefan, five, has been talking with me more than usual about it.   He has said any number of the following many times.  "I miss the baby.   I wish the baby hadn't died.   Will I be able to play with the baby someday?   I can't wait till I get to play with the baby.  Maybe you can have another baby mommy and then I will have another baby to play with.  Why did the baby die."   Deep sigh.   Like I said, I am not upset he asks these things.   I appreciate his understanding that the baby was real and is waiting for him in heaven.   It is so very sweet.   The older children are aware but since they are not so small they don't talk about it very much.   I will not squelch Stefan's questions and conversation.   He obviously needs to talk about it.   Ingrid just talks about the baby when she is outside and visits where the baby is buried.   The older kids do look a bit freaked out when he does this as I think they must think I can't handle it.   It happened.   It's real.   Why not talk about it.   It is okay.   It is perhaps good for me to to have my little confidant to talk to when it comes up.   God bless his small self.   I love my kids.   The end.