Side tracked and whining a bit

That phrase seems to apply to almost everything.   Shakespeare hardly made it out of the starting gates and my uncle got sick and in a very short time died.   That took me to Minnesota for several weeks and only left time to breathe in between.   I did spend some valuable time with my dying uncle, my extended family, and  my own family in a context outside of normal.   That saying that stress is the new normal is pretty true, but if I push aside the stuff which seems important, then stress goes down a lot.   I'm still not back on my feet per se and sort of want to do absolutely nothing for a long time.   I have more items on my to do list to take care of where it concerns my uncle.   I am going to have to make myself make the necessary phone calls, and fill out the paperwork.  

Right now I am listening to awesome horn music and sinking my teeth into it's awesomeness.   I might have to look this particular concerto up and see if I can get the music.   I seem out of touch somehow with regular tasks and being alone away from the messes and constant needs and my self inflicted guilt over not getting to all the things which are waiting for my attention.  

Syrup season appears it will be short lived this year.   I suppose it could still get pretty cold again and get the water moving again.   I haven't collected yet but the kids and hubby have.   I've been attempting to focus on the kids school and making up for the time I was gone.

And.....I've wanted to blog more.   I need to write my days out of my head a bit since finding an audience besides myself is not readily available in light of crumbs on the table and floor and my desperate need for kids to help keep up after that.   The divorced socks persistently make me nutty too.

Saturdays and loose ends

I find myself seeing Saturday as the day to tie up loose ends from the week.   This past week was a major recipe for exhaustion but I did manage to wake up with some energy this morning.   The drill was making coffee, looking around and taking in the fallout from the week and doing my best to focus.   One thing at a time.  

There was laundry to put away, beans to can and put away, counters in the kitchen to find again, and finally following through with making homemade re fried beans.   They were not really fried but did turn out very yummy.   Erik and Charley went car shopping while all of this went on and by the time the morning was over I was calling Charleys cell phone and holding the phone out to him so he could hear all the displeasure noises emitting from his small people.   Rescue me!!!    I had spent the whole last week listening to too many disgruntled humans and needed a break.   The guys came home without any new car for Erik, but I didn't care too much about that.   Just let me leave!!!  

I went to my favorite nursery and got a few small evergreens to fill in some areas in the backyard.   My new landscaping scheme is to fill up spaces with trees and shrubs which look attractive and not have so much of an area to plant with perennials and annuals for the summer.   The owner wasn't there but did leave a note saying to write down what I had selected and leave it so she could bill me.   I love that place.   I pondered and pondered for well over an hour, all alone.......it was awesome.  

On the way home I had a chance to talk to Anna for a bit and that too was relaxing and nice as usual.   I miss my girl.   Sigh.   I will see her for a little while in a little over a week for her recital so that will be something to look forward to.  

I am dreaming of dreaming and getting bunches of sleep this evening even if I have to resort to hitting myself up side the head to get to sleep.   Hoping also to read bunches of my latest read before I do that.   It has been a basically nice day in spite of the morning whining.  

And then - sigh

I run out of me to give to all the people who need me.   I love them all but seriously there are times where the inside of me knows full well there is nothing left for me to give to them but they still need me.   What if I can't give anymore right now and I want to go sleep it all off.   What if I don't want to help them at the moment by being nice and kind and patient and would love for someone to take care of me.   This sort of time sucks.  
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I am told I need to plan some serious breaks from it all.   Elder parents who are scared and tired in their own way of being burdens, losing their independence and their health.   Funny how I would love for someone to express concern and care for me and then we turn around and become old people ourselves and fight desperately to not have THAT happen.    Such a humble life we live even if we don't want to live humbly.

Sweat

The garden is the summer obsession.   I don't mind having my therapy session down with the weeds and vegetables.   So far there have only been a few veges to eat but I am hoping the squash and watermelons give us something more and.....the tomatoes.   Mulch and newspaper, mulch and newspaper.   Not in that order......newspaper and mulch.   Actually I use straw on top of the newspaper.   Squash murder by my hand has happened more than I would like lately.   I must remember to not weed too much right around the stems as they are certain to croak.   Their roots must be ridiculously sensitive.  

Keeping up with the watering is also a trick.   The most fun is to weed and not care if the sprinkler soaks you.   The water washes the sweat off my face.   I think the sweat is also helping my hair to take on a new texture or something as I don't have the regular urge to go and get it cut.  

If I go out early enough in the morning, I can also acclimate myself to the heat as it heats up.   My little buddy Stefan, the five year old, is my partner in mulching and weed pulling.   I love being asked if it is okay to go get some more straw to spread.   Volunteers are awesome and not always frequent.   Cecilia joined us in the evening and we worked till it was time to read bed time stories, pray and tuck them in.   I of course am addicted to weeding as I said, so I went back out to attack.   I have a plan to conquer the vine section in the morning and I do think it will work.   Well.....at least one of the vine sections.  

It is all really good therapy.   I don't think too much but yet can also enjoy listening to either birds chirping or my kids jabbering away at me.   Sometimes there is silence.   I love that too.   The house is not getting as dirty because we are out in the dirt and not making messes inside.   Perhaps I am simply avoiding the inside as it reminds me that school is on its way in less than two months.   Why does that make me feel like the summer is almost over.   I should work on planning......some.   Or....do it next week.  :o)

Should sleep.   Enjoying the now quiet air conditioned house.   Calming my inner weeder.   

Transition

I probably have mentioned we have thirteen for dinner every night with the age ranging from 21 months to 85 years old.   We are an interesting mix.   I am trying to think of a name for our camp so we can all keep our humor.   The funny thing is I used to think I wanted to be a camp director when I was a youngling so voila!   Now I am.   One of the scheduling issues I am currently pondering is how to make it possible to allow for individual time for everyone.   We have to all get out of our gated community every so often and then of course there is the natural result of having people around you all the time.   Phew.  Teaching everyone that I am not really a mind reader will probably be the most helpful strategy.   Perhaps a communication board.   I am open to ideas.   I also wish I could find a good read on elder care and link in somehow with some people with experience.   I am grateful I did get some breaks this weekend so feel a bit better about facing this coming week.   I of course need to practice "run away from my laptop" to make sure I am actually keeping on top of things.   So far so good.   Here ends this rambling post.    Input welcome. 

Skin to skin

You read about the benefits to an infant to immediately make contact with their mothers (or fathers if the mother. is somehow not able) to warm their bodies and to find security in the warmth of another human being as they begin their little lives outside their mothers.    As I have been staring at and pondering all the humans around me of all ages, I have been considering the benefits of this skin to skin benefit.   Obviously not literally skin to skin but every human benefits from warm, secure, human contact.    It seems a rarity or cast aside in our lives as not a priority as you know, 'we all have things we need to be doing.'    Doing.   I get so weary of doing.   Doing, doing, doing.  

 My three year old has a case of the screamie meanies.    Should I toss her in time out every time she screams???   What if I took her up in my arms and hugged her and spent time with her rather than get her away from me?   Emotional energy comes from emotional support.   Emotional strength and energy comes from contact which helps sooth us and not repel us.    I suppose I could consider how very badly I  need emotional support myself in caring for so many people and perhaps could benefit from time spent with all of my kids and family in a closer way rather than running away.

My nearly fourteen year old has struggled with showing emotion for several years.   It could be mostly from the fact that there are many who need this attention from me.   It makes me sad to think of the time I have not been able to sit with him and make physical contact just by allowing him to be by me.  

We all learn from our experience.   If we experience distance, it takes some time before there is comfort in closeness with other people.   Modeling telling my kids I love them has resulted in a greater ease in them to be able to say it back to me and anyone else they come in contact with who might say that.   It is a long lesson to learn and takes time and patience.  Five years is about how long it took for comfort to seem more natural.     I have no doubt the same will hold true with the kids finding their comfort level in being able to receive the comfort of just having someone give them a hug etc.   This was not modeled for me and it is not something I come by easily.   In fact I feel like somewhat of a dork if anyone other than my nuclear family gives me a hug and even that happens with such rarity (sadly admitting) that if someone else gives me a hug??????   Horrors.   Takes effort and the only way for it to not take as much effort is most likely to come from practicing offering my family and friends hugs?   Sit closer to my kids.   Offer to have my kids cuddle up next to me for reading time more often????    Time.   Patience.   Breathe.   Forgive.   Love them.   

Tired

Sometimes I am just tired.   This weekend was extremely nice with my oldest daughter coming for a visit.   All told we had fifteen people at most meals.   I know how to cook for fifteen people pretty easily so that is not a big deal.   The interaction is awesome but wow, I don't realize how tired I can be at the end of such a weekend.   I wish daughter dear could just stay.   Sad to say goodbye.   It had been since the end of Christmas break since I last saw her.   We talk on the phone but it isn't quite the same.....at all.   But now she has gone back to school and I miss her.   This is sort of a blah, blah, blah post.   Not sure what my point is but now I want to go retreat somewhere for a bit.  Went to bed right after dinner to read and do basically nothing productive and now I have written the blah, blah, blah  post.   Sometimes I am just tired.   Just saying.  

Biking obsession

Since it is getting lighter out in the morning, I have started biking in the early morning before the sluggards....I mean children....get up.   Of course I decided to do this on the coldest mornings so far this year.   It was 18 degrees yesterday and today.   The only part of me which actually gets cold are my feet and my right thumb.   I tweaked the system since yesterday and my hands were warmer today.   My feet were warmer longer but I definitely need to figure something out so they feel less like bricks when I get home.   I think I need bigger shoes so I can fit those heater thingies in there.  

It is BEAUTIFUL in the morning.   I took off at 6:15 this morning and didn't see any cars for the first half hour.   I did see 14 deer and a pair of hawks.   I also got to see the sun come up.   Loved it.   I figure I am going to bike around that time every day as it doesn't interrupt my schedule with the kids.   I have felt pretty stretched thin as per usual so starting the day with a little alone time and herds of deer sounds like a nice plan.  

I am thankful my clothes fit again too.   What a relief.   Dusting off the old wardrobe has been nice.   I am truly obsessed with this biking thing.   I've been in this position before so am familiar with the panic I feel if I might have to miss a day of biking.   Facepalm.   Yes.   Biking disorder.   I can eat more too!!!!   Yay!   Happy times in the cold.  

Piano Mom

I am not a soccer mom.  I am a piano mom.  It seems to be an art form to figure out how best to be a piano mom.   I am sure it is not a whole lot different from being a soccer mom or any other sort of mom of kids investing time in one particular talent.   Listening to my daughter play is a joy just like it was a joy to listen to her older sister.   Sitting in on her lessons is a little bit of a respid for me as I can just chill on the couch and soak in observing her interact with her teacher and literally see the light bulbs go off.   What I ponder is how not to be  too involved with the whole thing and allow the teacher to completely orchestrate her lesson and preparation for the next piano event, albeit her lesson or a competition.   I very carefully consider how much I talk to my daughter as a piano mom so as not to muck up what is already going on between her and her teacher.   I love the musical process and seeing it all come together and the end result is awesome.   And.....what if my daughter is not on top of her game some weeks?   Well, then it is carefully considering what sort of big deal or no deal at all I am going to make of it.   I usually make nothing of it and move on.   I do my best not to be the crazy pressure beauty pageant mom.   It is okay.   What if she decided she didn't want to play anymore?   What then?   Would I crush her with disappointment or just love her.    Hopefully it would be the latter.  She did a beautiful job this evening at her Stickley recital for her teacher's studio.   Wow.   Amazing.    Very proud of her. 

biking again

Made it out for another bike ride this afternoon after Anna left to go back to school.   I sort of enjoy the challenge of biking in the wind and rain.   It is definitely quiet out with little activity to be found.   Wildlife report for the day includes on red tailed hawk and a pileated woodpecker which is always awesome to see and hear.  I saw no other humans.    I think with all the rain and wind that I might have burned a few more calories than usual.   Oh.....it was a bit chilly too.    That is all the news for the day.   :o)

Biking

I finally made it out for a bike ride after several months away from it.   It was nice to get outside a bit.   Wildlife of the day included one hawk and a pheasant.   Tamer life included several humans out doing some late fall cleanup in their yard.   There is no snow yet but it still was nice to see what was up around the countryside.   In the winter you can see all the homes you can't see when there are leaves on the trees.   There were several cute small homes that looked appealing to me.  

I read an article this morning which suggested drinking chocolate milk before and after your ride.    I can see the sense in that and the best part is I have been missing chocolate milk as I was avoiding it to fight the chub to no avail.   I am hoping to bike regularly to both fight the chub and to have some alone time and try hard not to think too much while burning up the calories.

Now time to get on top of the "want to" to go vacuum the house and get rid of more junk.   Listening to Paul Simon and enjoying having everyone home for the weekend.    It will be back to our regular scheduled program on Monday.  

Lawn mowing isn't just practical for me

Having revealed on facebook I mowed the lawn today, there are some things in my life which are little places (five acres) of solitude, meditation and prayer. I am NOT just mowing the lawn. It really does help me get away and process stuff, pray about various things, and sing some hymns etc. in my head. I need this alone time to connect dots and not be distracted by the latest catastrophe. I don't even have to go far from home to do it. I have been doing this for probably.....sixteen or so years??? I think that is right. Some time before Matthew was born we bought our walk behind, 54 inch deck mower. I walk...fast....behind it and it is MINE! No my husband and sons are NOT allowed to mow the lawn! I might get a little testy if they try. It is my alone time, exercise and practically speaking keeps the place looking half way decent if I am able to keep up with the rate of grass growing. I have also called it my post pregnancy weight loss system. I might volunteer to mow our new neighbors acreage as their mower is not going to cut the mustard or the grass. I would ask for gas money.... The other practical purpose is to keep the poison ivy in check. Argh....it is everywhere. I'm trying my best to conquer as much of it as possible. Enough about lawn mowing...time to hit the hay! (grass???)(making hay while the sun shines?)(Sawing logs while the sun DON'T shine).