Children are people not objects

Children are a difficult subject to adults.   They come into the world and few can resist their sweet expressions and adorable stretches.   With nine children in the family, I realize how quickly the wonder of a new baby passes.   I do remember the joy on children's faces, the smiles of older people at church, and even strangers  at little infant people who mostly sleep and then they cry and other things.   Some babies need to be walked endlessly but they are little people and we want them to be comforted, so the ideal is to comfort them.   

Like puppies they get bigger with lightning speed and start insisting on some things which the adult in the world has to keep pushing forward in care for them.   I have heard from so many how exhausted they are with their kids and they're speaking the truth.   Having children definitely takes the focus off oneself or at least it should.   Parenting is exhausting for sure as it pushes us beyond ourselves.   

Children do need help.   No matter what a child's age is, even the infant actually needs a relationship with their parent and caregivers.   This seems really obvious but frankly I see so many examples of where children are treated as objects and not people.   All people, not just adults are in a relationship with those around them.  Adults all can fall into the trap of merely ordering children around and relationship ends up being built on the children's jumping to do our bid and call.   The attitude of children as servants should nauseate and not be the first approach.

Perhaps the art of relating to children as people like ourselves is because we are torn between the care they need and how much we don't want to give of ourselves to others.   Yelling at and mocking children is out there.    If I were the incredible hulk, I would transform regularly at disregard for a child's ability to understand and the shame and rejection  they feel at the way they are spoken to and about.

Talking about children out loud in their presence, as if they aren't in the same room, whether the topic seems innocent and fine as we are 'concerned' about their struggles, the effect is the same since the children can and do hear what adults say.  Imagine that.   Speaking ill of them to friends and relatives is actually not a good plan at all as it reinforces in others a negative opinion of the child and degrades their ability to do better.  Adults who hear these things and parents who hold so tightly to talking about their objects of possession, also known as their offspring, in front of others, on the phone, on facebook and other places should know that their words do have an effect on their children even if the words seem innocent or 'helpful'.  

One way I like to look at the concept of children as people, is that I look in their eyes and can see their feelings in emotions right there.   I imagine how I would feel if spoken to in the manner they have been spoken to.   Is it okay to speak to an adult that way or would the abusive tone be considered rude and abusive?   Seriously.   

Three adults are standing within close proximity of each other and two of the adults begin having interchanges about the third adult right in front of him as if he weren't there.    The third adult would feel all sort of things which might include feeling invisible, less than human, embarrassed, awkwardness.   If the same three adults were colleagues, speaking about one person in front of them to another would certainly be considered inappropriate.  The concept is exactly the same with adults in children in a room as all three are people.  The associative property comes to mind.   

Talking about children in front of them or in back of them, should give us pause to think if we are helping them by gossiping about them with other adults.  It is still gossip especially if the talk is speaking negatively about the child.   The talk does hurt the child's reputation in the eyes of others, for good or for ill.   We all have done this from time to time or perhaps some have succeeded in never doing it, but it just seems good to bear in mind the harm caused to the child when spoken about in front of others in their presence or not.  I plan to pose examples and alternative solutions and examples from interactions with the younger variety of people I encounter in my daily roaming.   If the reader does make a habit of doing this, I am basically hoping that folk can reconsider their actions for the good of the younger humans in their lives.   

Well, this is rich and fun

I love Advent and Christmas.   My kids are all almost home, which won't happen every year.   We run gleefully to church every day and hope that the guy leading all of those services knows how much he is appreciated.  I think I will go buy him some oranges so he has a better chance of making it through without taking the fall of sickness this year.  

Today, I am making out an update to son number two's transcript so he can continue on his way to working on his bachelors.   I am so happy about that.   Seriously.   It is what he wants and it is finally happening.   I'm just glad it is him who has come to this conclusion.   Waiting and patience as our kids muddle through without putting the ultimate heat on, is sweet.   I don't want to force or coerce my kids to do anything they don't have the heart for.

Me, I am happily practicing my horn and sort of restarting that aspect of  my life.   Playing the horn takes me to never never land.   I suppose it is like taking happy drugs so my family mostly appreciates that.   A happy  mommy is a happy thing.  

Oh, the Marine son, is home on Recruiters Assistant and working on finding some young folk to come in and see if the Marines has  a place in their future.   He knows more humans than his public school counterparts who were properly socialized.......this is sort of frustrating him as the home school stereo type of being inadequately socialized is said to him.   Yes, that was bad grammar but hey, I am just rambling.  

We are getting a new baby before Christmas - a baby grand piano will be blessing our living room.   I am sooooo excited I can hardly stand it.   I best get back to my dear son's transcript update and stop rambling for today.  

Clearing the mind rewritten for Lutherans

First off, no one is going to get life 'right' by their own efforts.   I am reading a book which is basically about untangling yourself from all of the life drama which distracts you from.....(read dramatically).....who you really are.   Well, the reason I am reading it to begin with is to see what I can glean out of it to learn to detach myself from unavoidable dysfunctional behavior encountered in life.   Simply put, don't allow the dysfunctional behavior rock my world or consume me.   The title is "The Unteathered Soul".     It is very yoga like but it did have a few good points worth sharing so am translating in Lutheran talk.  

The first point I found of value is that in today's modern society, we have a lot of time on our hands to allow  for the mind to dwell on every little thing we do and every thing we see others doing.  In days gone by people were pretty busy working, making and preparing food, and basically doing those things which are done to survive.   We are much more tied today to a world that allows us time to think about what everyone else is doing and then worrying about what we say and do around them.   I am not sure my explanation of this makes sense, but it makes sense to me that if I truly was busy wondering if we had food on the table and life was less cluttered by my gadgets, I would not have so much stuff to get worried and fussed up about.   So.....the book suggests decluttering our minds of all these things which compete for our minds attention.   As a Lutheran, I would suggest this same point would be to mind my own vocations and live in repentance for those vocations I am neglecting - the God given ones.    Minding my own vocation leaves me a lot less time to think on what everyone else is doing and get busy doing what I am supposed to be doing.   Yeah, I fail at this but and ask forgiveness for that and I truly want to do better.  

This point led to 'clearing the mind' which of course is......Buddha like.   There is much talk in the book of how to do this.   Making choices as to what I react to and perhaps choosing NOT to react.   The author gives the example (which I am not siting as I am sort of rambling), of thinking on whether it is a good idea to react to some encounter where I could either choose not to let it bother me and forget it or, perhaps I might choose to give a person a piece of my mind.   The second choice, aka sin - anger, murder in my heart - comes with consequences.   Even if the choice is I decide to give some snarky remark, there is still a consequence to that choice.   I am still responsible for those words.   The author makes reference to this as clearing your mind, and I would call it calling upon the Lord to guard my mouth and to actually consider the consequence of my sin.  

The last point I read was on making a routine of clearing your mind.   My Lutheran response, is that it would be a good practice to use that routine in prayer and remembering my baptism.   They suggest every time you enter the car and before you exit it.   That is not a bad choice if I use that as a time to remember my baptism and who it is that saves me - Christ Jesus - and not my effort to keep my mind under control.   Remembering my baptism always brings to my mind who paid the price for my sin.   I personally do rush from one thing to another so the routines set forth in the Catechism for prayer and examining one self make sense and are helpful in minding my own vocations.  

Clearing the mind - Confession and Absolution.   Yes.   That is clearing your mind.   I value this practice and hearing the words of absolution are most important in 'letting it go'.   Seeking Absolution is a to seek the forgiveness of our sins - to seek Absolution from the Pastor as from Christ himself.   I am referring to private Confession and Absolution here.    Christ's forgiveness can not be substituted by making an effort to clear the mind.   There is no substitute.   Humanly speaking we can ponder the futility of our anxieties and desire to be in control of every situation to avoid the pain that comes in this fallen world.  

I am going to keep plugging my way through the book anyway as there have been a few good points to think about in my reaction to the world around me but this is my Lutheran response.   The best point thus far was the point on thinking on how I react to what comes at me in life and how much energy I spend ruminating on them.   Choosing to not let the yuck effect me is a good start to dealing with the dysfunctional/sinful behavior I encounter in life.   This seemed pretty lightly touched on but I have a third of the book left so maybe the author will touch more on that later.  

Kids have vocations too

I am in the habit of staring at my kids when they are having a rough time and reminding myself of the struggles they have as they are not that different than my own.   Why do toddlers and young kids in general push us to absolute distraction and how to handle behavior out of our control.    Then I remember that I am sure I too have my moments when my family wishes I could pull myself together.   I think my hardest struggle with all my kids, is that they tend to all decide to fall apart all at the same time and then I feel like a fireman trying to get the fire out fast.   My brain goes a bit on overdrive running triage to get them away from each other and away from me til we can actually communicate somewhat calmly and not in frustration.   

Avoiding these lovely moments seems next to impossible but I think they get worse when they are bored or feel somehow lonely and neglected.   My own children seem at their best when we are working on an outside project together orMaybe we misbehave because we are not busy at our vocations????   Feeling a lack of purpose and misbehavior makes a bunch of sense to me.   I can feel my worst when I can't manage to know where to turn first with my vocational duties or have no desire to begin at all.   Once I can get my engines started then life is not as frustrating.   

Kids vocations are equally important to avoiding misbehavior.   If I am not able to do my own vocational duties, is it any wonder the kids become wild animals?   When they are engaged in learning they feel better.   When I can put my own wants aside and read to them, work through their school work sitting next to them and actually being in the house with them......they do better and so do I.   Vocation, vocation, vocation.   Sticking with our God given vocations improves everyone's mood.   Narrowing my focus improves my mood for sure.   

Writing these thoughts out results in my putting it together.....for today anyway......that helping my kids focus on their vocations by actually doing mine and being home helps us all feel a bit better and less fragmented.   The more I can be home the better it is.   Helping my kids see what their vocations are as 'kids' is also helpful.   I do tend to ask them the question, "So, how is that growing up and being responsible for what you are responsible thing going?"    They like this question.   We can have great conversations with this question too.   It isn't me telling me how they are doing but me helping them remember to think about it and helping them to think.   Lots of carefully thought out questions with a child, help them to process how it is going for them.   

Calendars may seem obvious

Calendars may seem obvious to the born organized but they are not obvious to me in parenting the home educated child.   I take pride, too much pride, in bumping along through school life, so if you read that last post and thought "well duh", then you are not challenged like I am to teach calendar organization.

It has been a week now and it is slowly coming to them and to me how this calendar tool can be used.   I have made VERY reasonable requests on their daily routine so far and asked them to simply check their stuff off when it is complete.   Hmmmm....    so far they are not taking me seriously enough.   I now have added that if they get everything done for that day, to put a sticker at the top of that day.   When they ask to do special things, we can take a look at how things have been going along the way and see what is reasonable.   All things fun always seem reasonable to them.

We had a check in last night and it was apparent that it was hard for them to get much done from their list.   We have more talking to do and of course I will reinforce those areas which are getting done.   Slow and steady will win the race.  

Structure and calendars

I personally am not the most structured person.   Unfortunately for me, I don't think structure is optional for the kids.   Pondering the plethora of age levels living under my roof and all the stages of development going on, from dreaming of retirement, to not quite potty trained and all the teenage behavior in between, is pushing the envelope with me to insist on calendars and more routine in the house.   I thought it was good enough to simply get done what we could get done but am realizing how there is only one of me and that the older kiddos need to learn how to use a calendar and take more responsibility for their own lives.  

I cannot begin to explain the dragging of feet and their blaming me for not knowing what they can do next in their home educated journey or in helping around the house.   Helping is not an option either.    I have visions of faces coming at me asking me questions in my not so distant past.   I am going to attempt to have calendar, goal making meetings weekly and try to make it fun.   That lovely phrase in probably all parenting/teacher books is that kids like to know what is expected of them.   Even though I feel I have given them what is expected, I suppose it is too wishy washy for them and black and white check lists will help.   I will have to have a fight with my own 'laid back' self to persevere with this.  

Extinguishing whining will be a whole different goal but not really.   I think I am going to have them track their whining on the calendar to see how that is going for them.   Can I do this????   Hopefully.   Stay tuned.   Perhaps I will have my blog keep me more accountable on this one......

Acknowlegement

Acknowledgement is a word I have been pondering.   I think one of the hardest things to do as a human sinful person, is to acknowledge the person you are having conversation with or email with and stop thinking about yourself.   Wow.  I know I struggle with it.   I see others struggling with it.   Why is it so hard to just reply to questions or even get off our rears to go and help someone as an automatic response to a need.   Well, because we are sinful and caught up in ourselves would be the obvious answer.   

My kids hate it when I do not acknowledge them when I am working on the computer.   They do not like it when I am rushing about the house chasing after messes and can't sit down with them and just listen to them.   It is funny that I see glaringly why they might be frustrated with me over that and then on the other hand I see how impatient I am with others for similar reasons.   It is hard to remember that the person who has asked us something or told us something, might want at least a little 'yes, I hear you' or a reply of some sort.   So my pondering has been weakly focusing on acknowledging my 'people' when they need something and stop thinking about my own lazy butts need to chill in a chair or whatever.   

It is simply hard and please forgive my overlooking of all of you whom I may have offended.   Blessings on your day!

Patience with elders

I received a call this noon that my mother-in-law was having some sort of episode.   She seemed confused and was refusing to eat.   Naturally I went to see what was up and was thinking perhaps she had a stroke.   She clearly wasn't her normal active self when I got there.   I am one to observe what in the world is going on so took several hours of talking with her and the nurses and she seemed to actually perk up and then was willing to eat.  There is a call into the doctor and so we are waiting for guidance.  

The fact that she perked up speaks loudly to the importance of communicating with our elders and assuring them we care.   I am not patting myself on the back, it was just interesting to see the transformation from the quiet scared woman to the more relaxed and willing to work with us woman in the course of a few hours.   I am grateful she will listen to reason with persistence and grateful she does not appear to have had a stroke.   We shall see.

In the meantime I am just tired.   My youngest had strep and bad ear infections this week.   The older ones have been strongly urged to persevere in their schooling and hopefully they did while I was away this afternoon.   I haven't circled the wagons to see if that is true or not.   I did have the smarts to call in reinforcements to help with dinner at church this evening.   Hopefully I can get to church later but in the meantime will probably slug around.   The phone has not rung for the doctor report so......rest while I can.  

Critical thinking

Overwhelm.   Keep plugging along.   One of my older kids is weak on critical thought.   I suggested to him that he read mystery books and work himself up to more difficult reading.   I started this post before he tried a mystery book and now I can see where the book I chose was too difficult for him.   So basically methodically building up his stamina is yet another item on my tick list to keep chasing after. I can also see that my random self needs to work on preparing some activities ahead of time for kids to work on.   The amount of time wasted being interrupted by kids who need my attention can be down right maddening.   I know I would make a terrible classroom teacher as preparation for cute activities kills me.   But my kids love them just like the rest of the kid world.  I need to do this.  

My other activities for critical thought include cross word puzzles, word searches, riddles, and other strategy games.   My biggest challenge is NOT getting overwhelmed by it all and NOT getting distracted by other temptations.
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At least three of my kids need total silence and no bouncing, screaming children about.   I can keep the oldest kids on task for at least several hours working on writing, grammar and instruction.   When we break apart to work on separate levels of math, life breaks down here.   My energy lasts only about one more hour and then it is a push to get anything else accomplished.   I suppose I need to just be happy with whatever extra school work gets done in the afternoon.  

This is all rambling on teaching and endurance with bunches of kids in toe.  

Visits with in-laws

My in-laws are now good and settled at the assisted care living facility and all of their kids seem pleased with their living situation and how things are going.   I would love to be able to visit them more often and squeeze in some quickies here and there.   They are very delighted to have visitors and the atmosphere is much more pleasant as I am visiting them and not living with them.   There is a difference.

I get a quick picture of the reality of life when it isn't the life I am living now.   All of these older folk and  handicapped folk living their lives and routines and how they are not much different than me.   I have routines and ups and downs and surprises which occur.   I feel like I can talk to my mother-in-law in a comfortable way knowing that we both are challenged by goodies, both forget a lot of stuff, and I can kid her a little about her challenges of stepping away from the deserts and the sweet tea.   It is pleasant.   It is also a nice switch from my own routine as the older people there are much more delighted to see me and have a friendly hello than the people I live with as those people I live with see my face a lot.  

Visiting my own parents happens from time to time too.   My mother and I are going to Chicago on Friday to explore and go to a symphony concert.   I did that with her last year around this time.   It should be fun.   I am curious as to what my reaction will be this year.   Taking in live concerts is dreamy and too few and far between.   I find watching the attendees pretty fascinating too the same way it is fascinating to visit with the residents at my in-laws place.   They all have these lives they are living and it is just a curious thing to watch them and listen to them if we have a chance to talk.

One woman I saw yesterday is the wife of one of Charley's ex co-workers.   She was hospitalized last month with bacterial pneumonia.   Yikes.   The infection started to invade her body as well.   So I listen carefully to her story and give her hugging eyes and understanding and it is a sweet conversation.   Her husband is totally incapacitated and she does everything for  him so it was hard to be sick and wonder how he was doing.   The sweetness of her concern.   Sigh.  

Now back to my regularly scheduled program of trying to get something graded, making sure daughter dear practices, and using house cleaning as another method of exercise.   I have to look it that way as the house makes me nutty.   Back to the laundry........

Purposefully slowing down.....even more.

I think we are succeeding in slowing down.   I am taking this whole week to work on schedule and expectations which are reasonable and fit better with my slow demeanor lately.   I do not like to rush and be bombarded by many a human at once.   I am a wimp where rapid questions fly.   I've said that before.  

Monday we went through ALL of the kids subjects and weeded out every single book which did not even appear likely to happen.   Those are all hiding in the basement as I planned before.   I left each of my students/kids with two to three things to work on and have hanging over their head so to speak.   They thought we were going to do everything at once; spelling, math, grammar, writing, reading, science etc......not.   I can't see the sense in taking on too much at once and getting none of it done.   I would love to push everyone to get all of their math done for the school year by Christmas.   That would be awesome.   Perhaps I will just call them done at that point if I am brave enough and then spend all of the spring semester playing with history and reading books together.   That sounds delightful.

We braved the library today and hope to return.    It will help if I can 'train' Evan the two year old to sit for books for longer periods of time.   He was fascinated with the long row of couches and the beautiful window sills   They were much like an obstacle course for him and he was loving it.   Slowing down and not hyper spazzing at him will mean taking a breath and baby steps in listening to books for us both.   Perhaps there will be days when we visit the library when we will have to make abrupt departures.   I am sure there will be.   I would like to go there more often this year, especially since going there will alleviate temptations of all of us to be distracted by the junk in our house.   It was easier to come home today after having time at the library since books suddenly became more interesting to them all.  

A little visit accomplished way more than I intended.   Slowing down and living makes things easier to bear with all the kiddos.   Leaving for an evening spin on my bike was also far less stressful.   Hope we can keep this up and I can remember the goal.  

Rearranging

I am hoping to rearrange a bit of life around here.   The first rearrangement seems a bit backwards.   We eat dinner together every night.....all thirteen of us.   Fourteen when Anna is home.   Every night, the noisy crew gathers together.    We have striven for years to maintain dinner together but frankly with people ranging from 2 to 86 attempting to pass food, eat it without running for the wind, getting frustrated as the food they would love to eat is on the other end of the table - 12 feet away......    This puts a whole different spin on gathering during Christmas and Easter and Thanksgiving.   On those days we should all be able to eat one meal without having to pass anything???    A table in every room?????    Every day is a family gathering around here!  

So I am going to feed the little people early.   They are always the hungriest, least patient, hardest to deal with at the table.   I think if I can just eat quietly with them earlier, it will help their demeanor and mine.   I would not describe dinner as the most relaxed of circumstances.  

I want the small children in bed as soon as possible in the evenings so they don't become sleep deprived.   The seventy to eighty somethings are not used to stubborn, verbal small children so I am sure they will have less indigestion this way too.   We shall see if dear husband sees the sense in this plan.   My goal is for everyone to lead.....a quiet and peaceable life.   Whatever I can do to help to that end is how I proceed.  

For Example

There are silly little deep breath occurrences which I have to deliberately take pause and care to answer.   I think I have mentioned the irony that my mother-in-law and I pretty much get along quite well now in comparison to years gone by.   Many moons ago there was a distinct feeling I would get that she was on a mission to switch out everything I owned for something she felt was better.   I do believe this is how she 'loved' people.   Of course at the time I might be thinking.......but....but.....that was my dear Aunt Hazel's dish towel and it isn't a piece of junk at all!   So I let her get my goat when in reality she probably wanted mostly to do something for me.

So.....my 1 dollar IKEA towel holder plastic thingy seemed to be somehow deficient.   I was not aware that it bugged her at all.   Perhaps it didn't bug her but she thought I could use a new one.   She went shopping during my camping trip and bought me the deluxe towel holder thingy for the kitchen.   I am pretty sure the lack of delight showed up on my face and I am not one hundred percent positive I said thank you.   I think I did.   I think.   Will have to express my gratitude tomorrow.   You see I have a fascination with all things IKEA as my Swedish relatives have influenced me to love all things streamlined and clean.   My dear husband loves the lodge look.   *I* go into IKEA fantasizing about decorating my college apartment or my town house in Chicago but now I am old....er and will not be having either of those.   It is a fun dream.   It doesn't go great with lodge furniture but ya' know.

Anyway.....back to patience over towel holders being replaced.   I have gotten a tiny bit better at not letting it bug me as in reality it doesn't matter.   It is just a towel holder after all.   My town house decorating spree will obviously never happen and my mother-in-law does not understand why this might bug me as she is being NICE.   She wants to do stuff for me.   Buying stuff she thinks is better than my one dollar IKEA towel holder is a crazy thing to have to take a deep breath over.   Letting it go and happily using the country like looking new towel holder which is the look of the 80's which I left behind in our old house 20 plus years ago should not be a problem.   Really Karin it shouldn't.   Really.   So.....preparing myself for these little stupid surprises gets a bit easier but of course I will have to keep working on in as time goes by.