Prison camp meals

A few have asked to elaborate on this activity.  I started a new game at our house when too many leftovers crop up.  Too many leftovers leave me feeling a bit crazed as I know how much the food cost and even the effort to make it is wasted in my book if the food is by-passed for 'fun' food.  So every so often I instigate prison camp food days where no further food is purchased until the leftovers are eaten.  I am an odd fan of "A Day in the Life of Ivan D" so I make sure to set the scene of hard work and hungry tummies.  Ivan's tummy was beyond hungry but you get the drift here.  The poor little faces show up to meal time and I bring in what is the oldest and still edible and declare it be eaten before its younger refrigerator neighbors are brought forth.  To be fair to my prisoners I hav tried to prepare less food per meal so it is bound to all get eaten at meals before it can become prison camp food but every so often this event has to happen.  If your family members have striped shirts they can wear them to make meal time more exciting.  That is just a side note.....

My Own History. Curriculum

I'm tired of trying to follow plans and curricula that has me tediously plodding along.    This year I've finally succumbed to going with our curiosity and reading books related to the time period we are currently reading.  We are currently working on the 1750's and the French and Indian War.   I decided to start reading biographies of some of the key players of this period out loud to the kids and they love it.  I love it when they recognize the intermingling of people's lives.  I had no idea Daniel Boone participated in the French and Indian War.  He was in the same area as young George Washington.

I have collected so many biographies through the years we will just revel in reading and referencing a DK history outline to see how we are progressing.  I have been grilling them with dates and admitting that until I home educated my own kids some of these time periods were lost on me.

I love history and wish I did this a long time ago.  Perfectionism and fear have kept me from marching forward with this sort of plan.  I cannot wait to start the next book explaining how the French came to New Orleans.  We spend enough time traveling there so it makes sense for the kids to learn more of it's history.  Learning is at a premium this year.  Yay!

Keeping quieter

I have found there are folk who talk a lot.   This is their personality.  Who knows why some of us talk more than others but that's the way it is.  I'm running an experiment on how my introverted personality can better handle talking.  

It has occurred to me that one of the reasons I start to inwardly squirm at 'much great talking' is that the talker is usually not gifted at listening and what I share in the exchange is easily lost or misunderstood which leads to me choosing between explaining or correcting or smiling and waving.  So I have decided to put the brakes on with these interchanges and focus on what the other person is talking about for the sake of comfort.  Since it is already a given that we tick in different ways, sucking in my need to tell my own tales does help me as I have an overt need to be understood.  I.....don't...have....to.....be.....understood.  In love for the other person I can keep my trap shut and listen.  

All of these exchanges stem from a need to be heard and understood.  What the extrovert probably doesn't understand is that the introvert takes longer to say what is on their mind.   So why should I exacerbate the struggle by badly needing to be heard.  Why not just save vignettes for other conversations.  Perhaps it's not true of all introverts but this introvert is simply less stressed by keeping things inside in idle conversation.  Idle conversation can be such a time of discomfort that running this experiment seems worth the effort.

Hopefully I can remember this technique for more than a week so it becomes more of my mold and have less of a struggle.

Vocation as Grandmother

Writing that title surprises me even though she is 17 months old now.  She doesn't live close but as I watch her little self growing and changing I am humbled and amazed by her gift and presence in my life.  She is her parents child.  For me it is a pleasure to watch them bond with her and each other in raising her and in anticipating her younger sibling early next year.  Wow.  

I've puzzled over hearing other grandma's view of their children parenting their grandchildren.  Meddling and sticking one's nose in where it isn't vocationally needed comes to mind.  I try to bear this in mind as I float along with my family.  Acting like adults together I think helps the kids realize that is how they are viewed.  Our own children cease to need monitoring or advice and need more of an open door policy and respect of their choices.  We moms and dads don't have to fix things for them.

I'm writing this bit down while basking in the amazing gift of adult children.  Daughter dear and I enjoy each other.  I enjoy spending time with my son-in-law.  I enjoy my other kids no matter what age.  I enjoy my granddaughter so much. They are all individuals and that relationship of respect began young.  Care and attention shifts and changes.  Even as I revel in my granddaughter I am aching to see my own children.  They are all the individuals God created them to be.

I am having a had time putting into words what it means to cherish each offspring for who they are and to be able to rest in the confidence that they will learn and mature at their own pace and my attempts to put any pressure on them to be people they aren't will not help them as their various vocations change along the way.  Pressure and unwanted advice is mostly patronizing as I look back on some conversations pointed at me as a young person.  I hope that I can hang onto taking an interest in my children's lives which will not invade and harm our relationship.  Respecting the parents is one way I see my role as a grandmother.  Idolizing the grandchild will not help the child.  If my grandchildren want their parents and not me I give thanks.  I love it.  She has been a delight to watch as her parents are a delight to watch while they go about their vocations. Christ has them covered and that is all that is needed.  I love them so and look forward to seeing them again and look forward to the next grand baby and any more I am blessed with in the future.

Grieving- Everyone is different

I have gotten the picture that everyone has a different experience with grief.  I've heard that before but I suppose no one as significant to me as dad has died in my own life.  It is a different experience than when one of my best friends daughter died so then that makes every grief different.   Olivia dying rocked my world in a much different way as I was just crazed in love for her family and THEIR loss.   I loved Olivia dearly.  I sorely miss her.  The pain for their family was numbing.  I could walk with them but didn't live literally through it with them.

Now Olivia's parents are comforting me by listening to the sea of my own confusion of dad being gone now.  It seems a tunnel of processing which I never considered.   Everyone is different.  Dad has really not been himself for a long time but even the hope that that could change is  final.  The best last time was showing him pictures from the thirties of his family.  He was so quiet and looking so intently.  I'm weird. Those people who are also gone now, meant a great deal to dad and that memory is at rest too.   It was a comfort though to me that he had that attachment to them still in spite of his dementia.

The last few days have been trying.  My inside has been a mess but there is no t-shirt so it isn't apparent on the outside.  That means other people are wearing the same shirt and we don't know it.  I have a lot of people to take care of and I'm not feeling a lot of want to do that.  I am muddling along through it and hoping for a let up.

It is several days later since I last wrote.  Wrapping these thoughts up I have been thinking a lot about how to handle my own internal grieving in light of pressing forward with the living.  I can not possibly expect anyone to know what goes on.  I only know that Christ's peace is still true always now and eternally.  The kids are asking good questions and are at ease with death as a part of life.  They encourage me and I am thankful they haven't been shut off from the reality of death as part of life.

Muddling forward.  Every day is different.

Work

A schoolteacher friend of mine declared her desire to spend as much time outside as possible this summer to offset her inside time.  Being outside seems like a worthy goal.  I have ten acres of yard to tend, some easy and some more difficult.   Last summer I was away so much that the jungle certainly had a chance to creep in.  There are vines everywhere!!!    Clipping, mulching, digging, and loving almost every minute of it.   The weeds are ridiculous.  I figure I can't take too many days off in a row or the yard will eat me in my sleep.

Thirteen hives have kept me hopping and pleasantly addicted to bonding with all their cute little selves.   The bees are pretty weary of all the rain we've had and I admit it is fascinating figuring out the effects of bees being trapped in the hive making more bees.  Ooh, la la.  So many bees in the making but not as much honey as I'd like to see but a bee needs to get out and stretch every now and then to bring in the pollen.

My vegetable garden is not as bad off as it could be.  Pole beans seem to be a wise choice as they can climb away from the dirt.  Zucchini wins every year to bury us in zucchini.   I hope my friends like them.  The corn will be good if we get around to weeding it.  My brother put me onto a kind of roundup to beat down the exterior weeds.  The weeds are actually dead there. Whoa.

So every few days I am worse than tired.  I slept for twelve hours last night!   Another friend suggested drinking more water and Google has confirmed that as a good idea.

Dad

is done with his battle.  I didn't realize I hadn't blogged since dad was making his rapid decline.  Now I read my last post and think about how now I am in the process of defining my new normal of not having dad's prescence in my life.  I'm sure it is sort of obvious to anyone who has experienced grief but I haven't lost a parent till now and the hole in everyday experience amazes me.   Dad is everywhere.   I read an article and think about dad's possible reaction.  I weed the garden and think about how much he paid attention to gardens.  I pronounce a word and know he won't be bothered by my pronunciation.  So.......weird.

I should write more about the last few weeks so I can read it later when I might forget it.  I'm mostly thankful he is done with his labor of life and is at rest from it all.

The hard questions

Everyone is concerned about my dads eating or lack of it including me of course.  I sat with him for at least two hours talking about the food and why it would be good to eat more.  I tol him it would help him feel better many times and he would take one or two bites.  He will not let anyone feed him.  When you say  "You should eat some more dad" he asks why.  He hates all of this.  When he expressed not knowing what to do with himself during the day all I could do as encourage him to do those things he's always done such as reading and listening to music and watching TV at night.  He mostly wants to sleep and I can understand that too.   Lifting a persons spirits who can't remember the names of basic things or the people he spent time with at the university and church has got to be pretty confusing and discouraging.

I hope to go soon with a friend and play my horn a bit for him.  I hope that helps a bit.  Otherwise I would just like to spend time with him and normalize our time together by just being there reading and whatever we would have done in his living room.  Pondering what people do as a matter of course in life rather than talking him like crazy requiring answers sounds like plan.  I personally can go nutty when people ask me tons of questions which require me to reply.

Today I am at home playing catch up.

Sweet tea

My father dear is terrible at staying hydrated so the funny to me from the other day as he walks through dementia, was watching him chug down two big glasses of sweet tea.  My face probably gave away my surprise.  My Yankee mother never made sweet tea but the nursing home does and perhaps it will give him some time to visit with family and feel a bit better.   I find it sort of amusing. He always was the best patient of the doctor about following diet restrictions for blood pressure etc so dementia perhaps has allowed him throw caution to the wind since it simply tastes good to him but he can't tell me what it is he is drinking.   His food might become more appealing too?  I don't know.  One day at a time will tell so will try not and think about that too much.

Writing it down

I am frequently reminded lately of the transitions all around me in my life and in friends lives.   Births, graduations, weddings and funerals do happen all the time but I am the meat in the sandwich right now so it is all pretty intense.  Either that or I am just more attuned to it.  All of the grandparents are still living and I want to write down my thoughts etc as we walk this road.   A friends mother recently died and I saw her and didn't even offer my condolences.  Ugh.

 Everyone is mostly quietly walking along through this life journey and we care for each other even if it is through a quiet prayer of thanksgiving or plea for mercy for them.  I tend to pray these things as I see them in passing and they are having a rough time.  If I go to a wedding I know better the flux they are going through as their children move to the next stage of life.  It is a new stage for the parents too.  Reading of my friends coming home from their kids weddings to quiet.  Sigh.  It isn't too quiet here yet at my home and only have one chick flown to her own husband and now baby girl, but I being a people watcher, I am sort of quietly aware of those new and different experiences for my friends.

I will keep this going.....my own transition now is my dad's mind failing him.  I am overwhelmed with how had this is to watch.  The daily stress of his caretakers patiently working with him.  My mom took care of him as long as she was physically and mentally able.  I visited him this past weekend in his new home in memory care.  Sigh.  He is so different but glimmers of familiarity.   True grammar nazis will take it to the grave even if the corrected is not making any grammatical errors.   Grammar, grammar, grammar.

To be continued.......